Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 5)

[Bo562]

First focus on Bo. Bo needs to be happy by himself. Bo needs to learn to love himself, and be comfortable with being alone in the world. He needs to learn to be alone without being lonely. If this M doesn't last, then commit to spending 6 months or a year just exploring who you are as a person. Because wife number 2 is probably not going to be substantially different than wife number 1. She will be better in some areas and worse in others. She too will have the potential to be a WAS, so you need to be well-equipped to work hard on your next M to keep her as happy as you reasonably can. Don't be too attached or codependent. Give her time and space when she needs it and care and attention when she needs that. And she might walk at some point anyway, so you need to prepare yourself for that possibility. I'm just giving you a little reality check because I think you're starting to fall in love with a fantasy woman and fantasy marriage much like WAS's do. "Chasing the white rabbit" if you will. You've done a lot of work already, keep at it! That's your path to recovery.

You’re absolutely right.

One thing I am working on is the whole ‘be happy with self’ and ‘love self.’

I am starting to feel more comfortable with being alone—probably because I’ve been rather alone in this marriage for a while. That said, I can probably see where W is coming from—‘now you know how I feel!’

The few times where I’ve been out without her and the kids recently have been amazing, I’ve felt. I felt so free and so single. Obviously, I do miss the boys, of course.... But I’ve given thought to what could happen if / when things go through and she has the boys and I’ve by myself. I’ve thought about looking into D / S groups in my diocese through the church.

She too will have the potential to be a WAS

Don’t they all, really?

But yes I need to not get to attached or codependent, and I’m putting work into my flaws (elements of NGS, forgetfulness). And I don’t want to repeat down the road the mistakes that I’ve made—that terrifies me.

I probably do need a bit of a reality check, but I also am looking to the future and trying to find hope where I can. I’ve thought about to what extent I’ve become the WAS, and what that means for our MR.

6 months to at least a year is what I’ve thought about, too, in case things don’t work out with W. I’m still conflicted on whether or not I want recon with W.

I also know that in this current MR things will probably get much much worse before they get better—who knows where this will lead, and that’s scary, tbh.

You've done a lot of work already, keep at it! That's your path to recovery.

I know I’ve put some work in, but I don’t feel like I’ve made a whole lot of progress overall.

Where do you see signs of progress in me / my sitch? I could really use a second set of eyes.

“The only way out is through.”