I had a good, albeit lonely start to the day. Today is usually the day we all get ready as a family and I send off D4 for the week. WW took D4 to OM2 place instead and gave me “freedom”.
My workday was good. I saw AS posts and said “Yeah, I do feel awesome!”. I ended my workday and drove into the city to lift.
Here is where it starts to turn south:
I go the bathroom to change. Before I take off my T-shirt, I look at myself in the mirror and say, “That is an attractive man!” And then I took off my shirt. And I saw my body for what it really was. A 240 pound lump of some muscle with a still-protruding gut, hairy back, and a chest that looks anything but “good”.
But that’s ok! That’s why I’m working out! So that I can mold myself into an attractive MAN! I go to the weight room and crush my workout. My legs are back went through quite the workout. My T-shirt was soaked with sweat and I was gasping for air by the end of it...a kickass workout indeed.
I go into the bathroom to change back into my street clothes, and I peel off my workout shirt.
And I saw my body. And just stared at it. I stared at the definition starting to take place at my neck and shoulders. I stared at my still sagging man-boobs. I started at my stomach that hangs out and becomes pronounced when I wear a belt. I saw my hairy back and shoulders. I stared at my bald head with hair receding from my sides more everyday. I just stared at all of it, and then that voice started to speak to me:
“Are you kidding yourself? Look at you. Yeah you made progress. Good for you! Now tell me, who in their right mind would want to stoop to THAT? Look at you! And the only person that looked past your appearance is gone. YOU pushed her into the arms of a better looking, THINNER man. Do you really think you would end up spending the rest of your life with HER? The dream is gone. You’re alone again. Yeah, you’re a great friend. You’re a great father. But no one like your WW (why not call her your STBXW already? I mean, it’s a matter of time.) will come for you again. Good luck with your “dating” life. It took you 17 years to get that far. I wouldn’t be surprised if it took you another 17 unless you settled.”
And I began to spiral. And then the thoughts of WW having sex with OM2 came into my mind, with OM2 saying:
“ I bet that my GF’s H hates him for being intimate with my WW but that’s ok because she moved on to me and I am hers now. I learned from my two divorces, but the third M to her will be the one that lasts. It’s ok, because we just want him to be happy again. But that’s not my problem. He messed up. He let her go. He should not have been awful to her. Who in their right mind would treat her the way her H did? I won’t. She deserves the best. And I’m it. I sex her up good, I treat her great, I can’t believe the stupid H pushed this W away.”
More spiraling when thoughts of my father came to my mind and reminded me that I deserve this punishment and she left for someone better. I failed at being a good husband. And she is gone. Because I pushed her away. Because of the way I look. All of those thoughts had my dad’s voice behind it.
I cried all the way to an exit ramp overlooking the Columbia. I had to stop because I could not drive anymore. I needed to settle down enough to compose myself and go home.
I’m sitting at the exit ramp, looking across the river to the town where OM2 lives. I am typing this as I look at his town and just go through all of the things WW has done with him. The camping trips, the sex, the weekends of sex. Sex and romance on her birthday. All of the things I took for granted.
And all I can do now is just accept that this is the reality now.
