Just another word to new posters who may be reading. This is why it is advisable to keep your sitch quiet of possible. I know a lot of LBSs that need support of their friends and family, but they later regret it because of the very dynamic mentioned here by blackmac. I know sometimes the WAS will tell others themselves but this is usually very atypical especially if they are in an active A.
Be wary blackmac, if she's being flirty she may have more shenanigans up her sleeve.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm wary. She finally let me know why she didn't see S today...she slept all day, then went to work. I told her she could make up the time tomorrow if she wanted. She said that because there's a company rally Tuesday, when she gets off work Monday she's going out partying with her female roomate and like 4 guys. So...yeah.
B- sounds like you are handling things quite well, keep it up! Great job in being firm with her and only marginally available.
Originally Posted by blakmac
She mentioned during that convo that if she were to come back, she'd never be able to talk to several of her friends again. That seemed to be her sticking point - losing face. I asked her point blank if I was worth it to her...she said "Our S is worth it, but I would be losing a lot."
I'm curious how you responded? I would have been inclined to say "if you ever get to that point we can discuss it, but don't assume I am willing to just jump back into a relationship with you." On the losing face thing, there was a woman that posted here years ago who had been a WAS but had reconciled. She said that was the one thing that almost stopped her from reconciling is the thought of having to go to all her friends and family and explain to them why she was getting back with the man who she had been telling people was such a selfish, uncaring, abusive jerk for so long. She said pride almost stopped her from doing it, even though she KNEW she was WRONG!! I've said it before but I do wonder how many potential recons never get off the ground because the WAS is too embarrassed to say he/ she was wrong to anyone.
Just another word to new posters who may be reading. This is why it is advisable to keep your sitch quiet of possible. I know a lot of LBSs that need support of their friends and family, but they later regret it because of the very dynamic mentioned here by blackmac.
I think this is a factor that played into my H's decision when he was waffling on staying or going. He was "outed" by my BIL and sister and has not been able to be around them since. I regret that I told him how I found out. I don't think he can imagine ever being around them again without feeling a lot of shame and given they are the other two people with whom I am closest, it likely seemed impossible to him that we could R and he would feel okay around my friends and family again. He has a hard enough time being around his own mother.
I struggle with the concept of keeping sitch quiet. I know everyone's sitch is different but you know the WSs friends are usually in on what they are doing and the lies that they are being told.
Like I said I think it is situational. My WW is so delusional that her issues with our M are 80% fabricated. Through her IC, my IC, research, rethinking the history of our relationship she has issues that have gone untreated and lead to two As in 10 years. I'm sorry but my family needed to know what my family was going through, sweeping this under the rug led to this second A.
I don't advise going public, but I was attacked by my inlaws about why my W was so unhappy and it was in defense that I had to provide full disclosure and ask for their help...not to save my M but to help their daughter with her mental health. They just didn't see the severity of her waywardness and substance abuse and the only way they would engage.
Honestly, so far so good, her parents have worked to engage with their D and my family has been their to help with my kids. I don't know how things would have turned out if I hadn't told anyone but I think I would be a kettle ready to explode as I have had to dodge family events, holiday activities, etc.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
She'd definitely being a bit more flirty when she's around me.
How do you define flirty?
I am highly suspicious of a WW flirting with her LBH. My advice is to place no value in her flirtatious moods, if she has expressed reservations about reconciling.......as though she would have to give up a lot in order to R with you. I know every WW is not exactly alike when it comes to feelings of remorse, etc........however, IMHO, if a WW truly experiences remorse, then it seems to me that you would be able to detect some humility when she interacts with you. I'm not suggesting she should not ever show a lighter. uplifted side......but be careful about seeing flirtatious behavior as some indication of her readiness to reconcile.
I want to point out just a few things to consider when your thoughts turn to reconciling with a WW. First of all, if you catch her not being completely truthful......no matter how insignificant, let that serve as a big warning. Second, if she is trying to cling to any new friends or GGW activities developed during her period of rebellion, then you better hold off reconciling with her. Third, if she blames or finds excuses, rather than owning responsibility, then she is not ready to recover from her wayward mindset and you will have more of the same bad treatment in store for you. Fourth, if she reflects a sense of entitlement, and/or she won't swallow her stubborn pride, then she is not ready for reconciliation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think in most cases it's best to keep the sitch quiet.
Mine was a weird sitch, since literally nobody knew that W was anything like she is. So I've been open about it.
I posted yesterday on my FB that I would be more honest with S (but age appropriate, because that's what most of the family help and parenting class that the judge ordered said was best) and her cousin exploded on me and went on a big rant.
I'm very careful about who is on my FB. This dude literally told me publicly before that W was nuts and that I should run. Well, now he's attacking other family members over my parenting style...as well as attacking me verbally.
I just got screenshots and sent them to my attorney. He's not on my FB anymore.
A few minutes later, W texted me saying she could change her plans with her friends tonight to come talk more about MC. She said I sounded angry that we couldn't finish the talk the other day. I said I wasn't. She persisted "but you seemed upset". I replied: "I told you I wasn't upset. You don't have to worry about my feelings, you know." She said that was confusing.
No idea what she's thinking. Or even if she's thinking.
But I think she knows that she's about to lose a lot. She even said on a call (recorded, of course) that she feels S living with me is ideal.
I am highly suspicious of a WW flirting with her LBH. My advice is to place no value in her flirtatious moods, if she has expressed reservations about reconciling.......as though she would have to give up a lot in order to R with you. I know every WW is not exactly alike when it comes to feelings of remorse, etc........however, IMHO, if a WW truly experiences remorse, then it seems to me that you would be able to detect some humility when she interacts with you. I'm not suggesting she should not ever show a lighter. uplifted side......but be careful about seeing flirtatious behavior as some indication of her readiness to reconcile.
I want to point out just a few things to consider when your thoughts turn to reconciling with a WW. First of all, if you catch her not being completely truthful......no matter how insignificant, let that serve as a big warning. Second, if she is trying to cling to any new friends or GGW activities developed during her period of rebellion, then you better hold off reconciling with her. Third, if she blames or finds excuses, rather than owning responsibility, then she is not ready to recover from her wayward mindset and you will have more of the same bad treatment in store for you. Fourth, if she reflects a sense of entitlement, and/or she won't swallow her stubborn pride, then she is not ready for reconciliation.
Eyes, body language, small talk. Like actual flirting.
I don't put any stock into it. I will say that when we have talked lately, she is starting to say that she's having remorse for hurting me (I don't put a lot of stock into that). I generally end those conversations (when she mentions marriage counseling) by saying "It's clear you aren't ready."
Maybe she's coming around to it, maybe she isn't. That's for her to decide. She knows I'm moving on with my life. She's got a massive amount of stuff to prove if she even wants to be worth my time.
