She acts as if this whole thing doesn't bother her at all. W acts like she couldn't care less about me and just wants to be away from me. I don't know if that's really how she feels but it is what she projects when we're together. I just can't believe what a 180 she has done since BD. It makes me question everything from our MR and whether she ever truly loved me.
Her mindset has changed, and unfortunately, she probably doesn't feel positive emotions for you at the moment. She's not going to act like the girl you knew on your wedding day. She has allowed negative feelings to take over, and all she is currently concerned about......is herself. The wayward W is truly a most selfish creature!
One of the biggest things to deal with is her wanting to eat cake (as we call it). She wants to live like a single person, but she still wants you to be available and emotionally connected to her. That's why she makes it difficult to go NC with her. She will find some reason to contact you and try to pull you in emotionally. Just remember, she wants the best of both worlds, and as long as she gets it.......she is not going to experience the loss of her MR, thereby, not turning back from her waywardness.
Letting her go is the right frame of attitude to have. However, you need to add legs to that thinking. As long as you are doing things for her or with her (like getting haircuts for the boys), then she doesn't really experience that loss......right? So what, if she can't handle both of them when getting haircuts? That's her problem, and one of the consequences of choosing to be a single mom of two little children. Do I sound cold-hearted? If I do, it's b/c I know how dark and cold the heart of a WW can be. I also know it is possible for a WW to turn back around......but first things first.
You want her to miss you? I dare say it is you that is struggling with missing her. You are normal. The WW is not normal. She has lost her moral compass, and her emotions dictate her decision-making. That's pretty scary, b/c emotions were not designed to think. Just warning you, b/c you will swear she has lost her mind before this is over. So, you can't afford to lose your mind, too. Those kids have got to have at least one parent with a brain. Therefore, don't succumb to your emotions and let them dictate your actions.
It's very important that you know your core values. You will be tempted and tested to make allowances, just to get your W back. Think very carefully and take plenty of time before you start compromising your core values, your spiritual belief system, and your integrity. There is one person you will never be able to escape, and that's YOU. The upside to that is you are the only one you truly control.
Another symptom of the WW is a lack of respect for her H. She doesn't respect you as her H or as a man. Who knows when those feelings started, but at some point......she let it slip into verbal or overt signs of disrespect. Maybe you let it roll off your back, rather than addressing at the time. Perhaps you didn't know certain behavior was a sign of a W feeling disrespect for her H. If you want to read more along this topic, I have several threads about the WW. The first one has a link in Cadet's post to you.
Losing her respect has affected her level of "in love" feelings for you. That's how women are designed. When they take a H, they have to feel respect/admiration for him, in order to feel real love for him. Therefore, your W will need to see you through the eyes of respect, in everything you do...........and that requires tough love on your part. You are dealing with a different woman than you originally married.
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I hope as time goes on the detaching will get easier, but right now it's very hard.
It depends on you. There are no quick/easy fixes, no magic bullets, no guaranteed formula. IMHO, letting her go, and GAL like crazy (for real) is the best way of getting through this ordeal, but you have to consider that I've never been a LBS. I've been in the shoes of a WW, and I've been on the DB board a long time, reading stories just like yours. My M was saved, and sometimes I have the pleasure of reading about another M saved.
You may hear someone say that in order to save your M, you have to let it go........or something similar. My version would be to tell you to find the man you use to be before you got M, and improve that guy if needed. Don't work at saving your M, right now. Work at saving yourself. The minute you let go of your W.....she will know it. And, it usually has some pretty amazing results, if you keep a cool head.
I hope you'll read those threads. In the meantime, any background information you can give us will help. What type of childhood did your W experience?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
