Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[Gordie]

Prior thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2813211#Post2813211

[roist]

Welcome to your new thread.

I am glad to read about the positive changes.

Many have commented on keeping those expectations v low. So no need for me to echo them. Treat it as a good sign but remember until you arrive at the destination you are only going in the right direction. But that beats going in the wrong direction where there are no signs pointing to where you want to go.

My main advice to you is to resist a while longer before addressing your need to be heard about your side of this. For the moment she is still unsure about you. Until she is 100% sure, best to leave her "cook". That time will come. You will make sure that it does, so no need to worry about that.

Do what you can to dissipate that resentment. It will do you only harm and could jeopardize further progress. You are right to feel resentment and betrayal, or at least it is normal. You could pick your moment and release all of that built up resentement and let her know she was wrong and hence you are right. But being right isn't everything. Dig a little deeper for patience.

Read up on resentment.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Roist

Thank you as always

I am trying to be more positive about things

To keep expectations low

And yes to hold back a while longer

You are right that she still says and does things that communicate she is unsure

I have been praying to release all resentment

When I think I have forgiven

I find I have to forgive a little more

It is a process

And as someone else says

You can be right or you can be married



Journaling

W and I have changed as people

There are things we still like about each other

But there are things we dislike about each other too

W is starting to articulate some of those things she does not like

I listen and try to be receptive

If I try to say anything I dislike about her

It is not met receptively

So I keep those thoughts to myself

After our love making at Christmas

She has distanced herself again physically

We are back in the same bed

But she stays far on her side

And does not want me to touch her

I have focused on non sexual touching

She is more receptive to this

I can give her a hug

I can give her a back rub

She now welcomes this

We can hug or kiss hello or goodbye

W has rejoined family meals

But she does not like my cooking

This is a source of stress

So yes overall things continue to get better

One day at a time

[OneArt]

Gordie:

Sense more of a calm from you about all of this. Good to keep those expectations low. Seeing mine now 2x in a month after not seeing him for 1.5 years sure makes me think what you are doing is impressive. All I can think is, "what the hell did I ever see in this guy?" Yes you can be right or married, yes you have to shovel it now, but in all likelihood, you will get a chance to move past some of this in the future.

[Gerda]

Gordie, I have been thinking about you, praying for you, wondering about you. I am happy to see you posting.

I am not happy to hear about how much W criticizes you. For some reason the idea that she sits at the dinner table and criticizes a meal you made was to me worse than the other things. A man cooking me a meal is a dream I cannot imagine ever coming true.

Her continuing to criticize you breaks my heart because you are one of the best men in the world.

But I understand that the scales have not come off her eyes yet, and that it will take a long time. I love your patience.

I am not sure I understand why you are having relationship talks. From the outside it seems like she is not herself yet. But I guess you are just trying to listen. Are you afraid that if you don't listen, she will run again?

I wonder what Job has to say about this. I am wanting you to have a boundary --e.g., when my H tries to criticize me, I usually leave the room after letting one or two go by. But I have never been in that stage you are in now, where there is a return. Seems like her return is still in the stage of trying to change you. Maybe you can't have a boundary now or don't feel like you need one.

I don't know if you read the e-mail I posted from my H; it got a lot of comments as it was very abusive. But nothing unusual since BD3. I was actually kind of surprised that it got so much attention on these boards as I have posted his e-mails before. And because I thought all of us had the same kind of e-mails or comments or diatribes from our spouses. I didn't think mine was that unusual. I remembered what you said about possible replies when I asked you once. I am thinking about that in the context of your W. I guess you are giving those sorts of replies.

I hope that most of all, when she criticizes you, that you have your eyes on Christ. Sometimes I pretend He is sitting on the ledge of the window, looking in at me when my H is being horrible. In the past, when my H would be in the car with us, I would picture Christ running alongside the car or sitting on top of the hood. It's a little like the mini Gordie, DnJ and Job on my mantle, but... Well, it's CHRIST! This helps me to keep my eyes on God's love, goodness, compassion, mercy and off of the ridiculous and hurtful words coming out of my H's mouth. Maybe you can try that. Maybe you are already trying that.

Gordie, I am sending you many prayers. I am happy to "see" you.

[roist]

I wish I could lend you a patience shovel but I have none to spare!! Though an order for more has been placed!!

I was curious to see how your W reacted in the aftermath and going forward. On these boards it has been known that the holiday season can often give rise to extra contact or better interactions in some cases, which disappear just as quickly afterwards. There are many explanations for this, but that doesn't really matter to the LBS. the fact she continues to sleep together since is a big step even though as it is, is surely less comfortable for you than apart. Give her the time and space she requires. She may just be signalling to you that things are not fully there yet so the distance is just a slow down sign not to assume everything is rosey and physical affection can continue as newlyweds. She could have gone back to her room, so that is positive.

Yes there are a lot of positives in your situation. Keep focusing on them. Encourage them. As for the negatives, that's where the patience shovel is needed. Our wives are still a bit self centered and look at the world from their perspective seeing mostly what is good or bad for them. I understand that is difficult, but look at it as another phase to get through as one way or another it will too pass. TBH those negative comments are like drops of water that are at first easily shrugged off (relatively easier) but over time wear through our protection and hurt. Each comment in itself may be minor but the accumulation does take its tole.

As you said things are improving day by day. Focus on that. Look to where you are heading without measuring how far you still have to go but rather how far you have come. She isn't ready to look at her bad points nor your good points for the instant but that time will come. Again don't stress about that happening as you will make sure it does further down the line.

I would just caution you to hold strong and not let her dictate all the terms of how things progress. Follow her lead but make your own decisions about what is ok or not at each stage. Let stuff slide to allow progress without being a pushover.

Best wishes Gordie

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Gordie,

thanks for checking in on my thread. You have experience and wisdom that I can only hope to achieve, and above that, patience. Your gratitude in noticing the little things that are positive is something I have noticed. I would say that even though your cooking may not be the best, it's food, which is a blessing we can all overlook, but should be grateful for. Of course, a WS seems to have a hard time thinking past the end of his or her nose sometimes.

Tiptoeing around your own W is not fun, and it is not how marriage is supposed to be. But things don't always go how they're supposed to. I'm hoping for continued progress for your sitch.

[peacetoday]

Gordie

you are doing an amazing job with your situation

[Gordie]

Oneart

Yes, more calm, still some days better than others, but overall better

I find your observation about different MLC types interesting

Your H was a runner

My W wanted to stay put and push me out

Your H prefers not to express himself

My W likes to provide a play by play commentary



Gerda

We used to keep Christian icons around our home as reminders of our faith

When W changed her beliefs all of those icons vanished

But in my mind’s eye I can still look in a corner and see the former icon



Roist

When my patience shovel wears out

I now know where I can get a new one

Agree that we are in the MBR together is a good sign

Even if there are no sexual relations

It is what it is

Negative comments like drops of water

Wow that struck a nerve

From someone who knows

And absolutely trying strike that balance

Of giving her time and space to bake more

While also being strong and true to myself



Over

You are right that tiptoeing around is no fun

It is much better than before but

When I catch myself doing it

I try to stop

It is no way to live



Peace

Thank you for the encouragement



Journaling

So have been thinking of this new wave of criticism

MWD says when w stops complaining it means she has given up

I think that is where w was in the years before BD

So I am looking at these complaints as a good sign

Not fun to be blamed for everything

But at least she cares and has not given up

My old self would escalate and argue

My new self just listens

And sometimes I just have to laugh

Her old complaint was I never cook

Her new complaint is she does not like my cooking

She did not like my long hair so I cut it

Now she does not like my short hair

SMH

And today I got one of the positive signs I was looking for

She actually said thank you for something

Something I do everyday

But it was like she noticed for the first time

One day at a time

[Gordie]

Journaling

So w asked me to go on a little day trip with her

Where and what we were doing was not fully shared

I sensed something serious but just stayed calm

And left myself open to what was to come

After a few hours we drove to a place I had never been before

W explained that this was the place

Where she suffered trauma as a teenager

She asked me to stay in the car

And she walked to a very specific spot

And sat down and cried

After a while she returned to the car

And we drove home in silence

Holding hands