Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 5)

[AnotherStander]

While I know I probably won’t die from this, some moments I do pray to live out my wedding vows and wonder if I would get called home so that she could have her wish of living life without me, if she really wants it that bad enough. It sounds so so terrible, but I’ve thought about it.

If you start thinking a lot about suicide then that is a sure sign you're slipping into situational depression and should go see a doc ASAP. It happened to me, seemingly came out of nowhere several months after BD. It was the worst feeling ever, like I was a black hole inside. I got on A/D's and they were instrumental in helping me recover. I weaned off after a few months and have never slipped back into it.

I know it’s doing a number of her—she said her breast milk production is down because she is so stressed about all this. Maybe don’t D your spouse, then? If this is stressing her out so much, why why is she doing this?

Because in her mind right now, staying married to you is worse. That's what you've got to keep in mind. She's in a fog and she thinks staying married to you is the absolute worst possible option. Only time and space will help her get over that.

I'm wondering if she wants to rush this and get you to agree to everything because how else would she explain to the courts how she accused you of abuse and getting a RO against you or whatever, but then needing you to watch the kids while she's away for 3 months.

Unclear—please explain? Sorry in a bit of a mental fog.

What I mean is if she is considering accusing you of abuse as you suspect, then she will paint herself into a corner because if she does that and gets full custody of the kids then she can't very well turn around and dump them on you whenever she needs to leave town. And she knows she's going to be gone for 3 months soon and may need you and her parents to watch the kids, so it's easier on her if she can force you to accept her terms now rather than wrestle with that later.

Yup. I tried drawing a hard line with her and basically asked her to leave if she wants out. She freaked and isn’t having any of it, because she wants to leave me, not the kids.

Well the only difference between her proposal and yours is that with hers the kids stay in the house when it's her turn to have them and with yours she stays in her place when she has them. She doesn't see them any more or less. Maybe she doesn't understand that point, or maybe she thinks she can just drop in on you when you have the kids like everything is normal, who knows.

You’re right—if this goes through, I’ll have to give up time with the kids, no matter what. W wants to keep kids in the current residence because it’s a really good school system, and even OS has mentioned about how he loves where we live and doesn’t want to move (we haven’t told him anything about us yet, but he’s volunteered that).

She's going to be giving up time with them as well, not sure that has sunk in with her yet. Regarding the school system, when you get a D and you have 50-50 custody, you have to designate a "primary residence" for the kids. That will determine the schools they will attend. So if you stay in the house and the two of you agree to designate it the primary residence then they will keep going to the same school/schools.

but I deep in my heart of hearts know that if she wants to consider the kids, a D doesn’t seem like the answer to her / our problems.

Absolutely agree. But back to my earlier point, right now in her fog she is so desperate to get out of the M that D is the only "viable option". That may very well change down the road but right now she's going to be very stubborn about it.