I am so confused and need a place for perspective. Here goes:
My H left our MH almost 3 mos ago following an argument about unhappiness he was sensing from me and my confession of things I was feeling.
We had been recovering from a PA he had a year prior and during that time, I became pregnant. We had not been on the same page as far as family planning, though I was supposed to be on a birth control pill, so the pregnancy was surprising to the both of us though not an unwelcome one by me. We have always had trouble discussing future plans and life goals, so children was always something we felt we'd "deal with when we got there" and might be a surprise if the time ever came for us.
While we were initially figuring out how to move beyond the A, our social circle changed to include mutual friends and we became heavier partiers/drinkers, though we did this together so it seemed a positive change. My H had confessed to possible sex addiction during the revelation of the A and I blew him off at the time as it felt like a cop out for lots of bad behavior over lots of years. I became more convinced as I thought about our sexual relationship over the years and his increasing need for more intensity and adventure. He veiled his desires with a vulnerable need "to be honest" and "begin really sharing things with each other" but in doing so, began to push for a threesome...I turned down the idea. He said it was disprespectful that I wouldn't entertain his fantasies and that it was very hard for him to share these with me. He has a history of sharing fantasies with me, and whether I like them or not, they typically come to fruition...I wasn't prepared for this particular one to manifest. Eventually it did, and we began having threesomes with a lesbian friend of ours. I had mixed feelings about this as I was beginning to feel a connection to her and show him less attention and he immediately noticed, though I suspect I was only feeling this way because the relationship between he and I was so dysfunctional at the time. Regardless, we were having wild times and I felt like the train was coming off the rails,but I wasn't sure how to stop it as I felt like I wasn't being heard anymore.
The partying and sexual dynamic changed when I got pregnant and I was no longer able to participate in the things my husband was doing anymore which became incredibly lonely. He would have episodes of presence and absence and his free moments were filling with time on Youtube or Snapchatting new friends. He replaced his motorcycle with a more expensive one, stayed later at work, and became closer friends with an older woman who became his confidant in hard times. He felt that the pregnancy was laid on him against his control and that my irresponsibility with taking my pill had left his life in a place he didn't intend on so quickly so, this "friend" seemed to understand all of this and gave him an ear to bend. I had my suspicions throughout the pregnancy that there was something going on I wouldn't appreciate, but in that we had just been through an A the previous year and he had a history of this kind of behavior, I did the opposite of what you'd expect and decided to turn a blind eye to it and put MORE trust in him as I didn't want to overreact. I had my own history of being hypervigilant and scouring through his phone and social medias, and I felt that I was being respectful and even allowing him room to breathe if I backed off and let him be. I was beginning to get disheartened though because I would attempt to plan trips and wholesome activities so that we could reconnect but they were usually dismissed and met with some annoyance. I felt disrespected and burdensome on my end when I would ask for more of his attention, and we began to grow further and further apart.
When our D was born, H was very hands on in the initial weeks but the participation dwindled and I began responding to most of her needs. After the argument about my unhappiness I went in "self improvement" mode and tried to fix our budget, reducing expenses, and happened onto our phone records where I saw a years worth of phone calls to the same number, 10-20 times a day everyday and totalling from 15 mins to 1+ hours. They were news to me and it was when I confronted him about the calls that he decided he was "going to stay with his mom and dad for tonight"... and one night turned to 2 nights turned to a week, and here we are 3 mos out.
At the moment, he officially made the statement that he will be staying with his parents "for now" and "work on himself" and that I really need to consider if he is the one I want to stay married to. He is sending me a boatload of mixed signals, most of which happen when he is "in the mood" and "missing me". I notice he likes to change the subject when I ask him direct questions or if I mention to him that "I cannot live with whatever is going on between you and her" he will tell me that "he doesn't even know what to say to me right now" as though he's appalled I'd call him out that way. Afterwards he'll say something like, "so how is work?" or "do you still like my beard?" as though nothing is wrong.
His complaints are that I am controlling and that I am more like a mother to him. That I have dictated every aspect of his life from the job he's chosen to the house we live in, to the fact that we even moved out on our own and now the baby and he just can't take it anymore. I feel like I have stepped in to make adult decisions for us when he wouldn't and I'm not sure how to more forward if we decide to reconcile. Some days are good and some days are bad so I'm not sure how to deal with the mixed signals. HELP!!! Thank you so so much in advance, I look forward to swapping stories and getting some insight on this mess.
