You guys have given me so much to chew on. Some stuff that I know I have to do. I had such a hard time distinguishing between being needy and needing him. I still do.
I am also a strong woman. MIL says she thinks H had EA because I wasn't in enough need of him being my knight. Maybe she is right.
Although there are some great examples here, it is something I am so confused about. I am the type that needs a recipe. OK, so letting him plan something, that's good, right? And letting him comfort me would probably be good, if I know him as well as I think I do. What else?
Man, am I bad at this? I also was raised to be a strong woman. One of my earliest memories is of my mother constantly wearing a t shirt (in the early 70s) that read "A Woman's place is in the House... AND in the Senate." That was my role model, and she never taught me to be weakly attractive to my man. She taught me to handle whatever life threw at me.
I have a feeling many of us here are suffering from the same issues. How to balance being feminine with being self sufficient.
Oh my oh my oh my, I've just succeeded in confusing myself even more. It seems that my "feminine wiles" should be instinctive, but apparently I did not inherit them.
How about being stickly sweet - is that feminine? My H seems to like me when I am nice to everyone. More soft spoken, more like the demure women of old. At least in public. He also likes me taking charge.
So, how to know when and where?
Have I succeeded in confusing anyone else?
Oh well, thanks Slowly and Betsey and everyone else for giving us food for thought.
I am also confused by this. It seems that when I appear strong and confident my H seems to like and enjoy me more but when I start being needy and tell him how I feel, he is angered. But on the other hand, OW is needy and apologetic and he goes to her everytime to comfort her.
Doesnt make sense...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Quote: Although there are some great examples here, it is something I am so confused about. I am the type that needs a recipe. OK, so letting him plan something, that's good, right? And letting him comfort me would probably be good, if I know him as well as I think I do. What else?
Man, am I bad at this? I also was raised to be a strong woman. One of my earliest memories is of my mother constantly wearing a t shirt (in the early 70s) that read "A Woman's place is in the House... AND in the Senate." That was my role model, and she never taught me to be weakly attractive to my man. She taught me to handle whatever life threw at me.
I have a feeling many of us here are suffering from the same issues. How to balance being feminine with being self sufficient.
I'm startin to feel outnumbered here!
Let's see if I can explain help clarify this from a male's POV ... No man (or woman) is an island. This is not to be confused with being needy or being a confident, independent person. Its about letting another get more involved in your daily life. Its not about requiring help but accepting help when offered or even asking ... not because you need it ... but to show how you appreciate another's involvement.
Example, its rare that one requires help in preparing a meal, but to share in doing the task together can bring about an heighten sense of togetherness. You could grab a chair so you can grab that can on the top shelf that is out of your reach, but instead by asking for his help in getting the can is an offering of showing how you appreciate what he does for you, simply by asking ... and of course re-enforced with a thank you kiss on the cheek afterwards
It can be that small and that simple on the day to day level, here's a short list to help get the creative juices flowing ...
- Helping out in the day to day tasks & routine that you usually do on your own.
- Helping find solutions to problems you usually solve on your own.
- Using him as a sounding board to bounce ideas off of. When it becomes more comfortable in doing this, you can delve deeper by expressing your feelings and emotions.
- When he wants let him run with a solution or take care of somehing as a favor to you.
- When he offers to come to your aide, let him. Picture yourself as the cliche image of the beauty stranded by a car with a flat tire.
- give him the oppurtunity to be the gentleman. Let him open doors for you. Pull out the chair for you to sit upon. Offer you his coat, etc...
The vulnerability is not about showing him you need him, but to show him you want his involvement in the way you go about leading your life.
Hi Slowly, DANG! Leave you for the weekend and I can be assured that it will take a good half hour to catch up on your thread! BUT WELL WORTH IT.
This issue of need vs needy is always tripping me up. H has so many mood swings about this! It just amazes me.
But since I have been away I can tell you that in turning fresh eye to your situation, the positives seem to really be progressing. He's just hanging onto the memory of this affair. I think it is time to really act as if and KNOW that he is yours.
I could really relate to your cherishing the small moments. Those are the moments I tols my h I would miss the most once he moved out. Your small moments are great by comparison. He is really making clear steps towards you and you need to recognize that.
Do you affirm these when you are with him? Does he respond to praise or even small words of appreciation for the ways in which he extends himself to you?
Anyway, I am back...reading my friends threads and trying to catch up..More later. mayafool maya's thread
Positives + Monday's request for help - organizing the trip for end May, went very well. My request for Tuesday - painters are coming in to fix a problem patch, and H will be there in case they have questions I cannot answer - yes + We are both getting better, the chest infections are waning. I managed to deliver a fairly tricky project, client was happy, and so am I + 2 friends and I had our monthly lunch – new swanky French bistro in town, nice. Must take H there for dinner. H was quite interested in how my friends were – this is a new development, him asking about my friends and what we talked about - nice + H came over to my work place for afternoon tea, and then we both went home and continued work companionably. Good dinner at local pizza joint + H initiatied, for the second time in three days – yeah To be honest, if it were not for journalling, I would have missed this mini-trend
- We still have stilted moments when the conversation is not quite fluid. I catch H with a sad expression on his face, and try so hard to ignore it. I try to remember the itchy butt discussion on one of Sage's old threads, and just 'let it go' - as suggested to Deb today - Our conversations are lacking the kind of endearments I would like – rationally I know it is too soon, but it is sooo hard, this patience thing. S L O W L Y - I'm still having a hard time with memory triggers – like OW's gift to H that he still carries around on his key ring – why is he so unwilling to put me out of my misery? But, I MUST leave it alone for now
I have teary moments in the privacy of the bathroom, or when I'm driving alone to/from work, this is no picnic. But I do take comfort from the fact that things seem to be moving in the right direction.
Quote: I'm still having a hard time with memory triggers – like OW's gift to H that he still carries around on his key ring – why is he so unwilling to put me out of my misery?
(((((Slowly))))) For some reason of which I have yet seen explained there is a definate lag before the S fully comprehends the impact their infidelity has on their M partner. I have seen some sitches here where that lag can take up to a year or so.
In the meantime you are putting together on heck of an arsenal of DBing tools to combat nasty triggers. BTW, the "itty butt" has been one of my favorites.
I know this does ease the hurt any, but it does help you deal with it better and over time it does lessen more and more. I wish I can offer a way to take it all away, but alas all I can offer is that I share in how you feel, so you are not alone in that regard and hope knowing that will lend some comfort.
