Thank you for visiting my thread! I just finished reading through this thread to get a feel for what's happening with you.
In regards to feeling vulnerable...oh boy...I have a lot to say on this.
First, when Husband and I first started dating, 10 years ago, he had an ex-girlfriend who was still calling him and occasionally flying him out to her college for a booty call. And of course, not telling her boyfriend of the week that her ex was visiting.
When I found out about her, I told him, "Look, it seems to me that the two of you have unfinished business...I think you and I should stop seeing each other."
He assured me that they were just friends.
At one point he confessed to me that she was his safety net.
At another point, he told me that she needed him.
He handled the whole situation badly and freely admits that now.
But I took away a couple of things from that whole situation.
That even at my best, I wasn't good enough.
And that I wasn't needy enough.
So...I started to become needy. Got depressed. Got fat.
Did it work? Hah! No Way...it drove him away.
Obviously the lessons I learned were false.
And the words he said did not match the meaning of the same words to me. Lost in translation between manspeak and womanspeak.
Fast forward to today.
I am no longer clingy/needy etc. (Don't doubt me I do have bad moments/backslides...just for the most part I'm better. )
So, I have found that there is one area in which I can show my vulnerability...if I handle it right.
The most effective way seems to be for me to come to him when I'm having a panic attack.
The most recent example. He got cable installed for our computers this past weekend.
I went to him and said, "Hon, I'm having a panic attack. I need some reassurance that with this cable modem that our marriage won't go back to the way it used to be...with you always on the computer and me feeling abandoned. I'm sure it won't be that way, but I really need to be reassured right now."
He smiled, pulled me close and gently told me, "It won't be like that."
I took a deep breath...smiled and thanked him for making me feel safe.
Drat...I should have listed this in my positives.
In any case...I think the key is in telling him that I know he's not the bad guy...that I just need reassurance...that I'm scared.
But I think to begin with, I went to him about panic attacks that I was having in regards to others...issues that had nothing to do with him. And when he reassured me, I was quick to thank him for making me feel safe.
In fact, this past weekend, I told him that I was sorry for my panic attacks. That I felt like they were a burden to him. He told me that it complicates his life. And that he likes that. (Between us girls..I think he meant, he likes being my knight)
)
