two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[TJT]

Go ahead and hit me with the 2x4s like any of this was my fault. I didn’t deserve this. None of us did.

I want to address this part first, to be absolutely clear: nothing that ANY of us have hit you with here to hold you accountable for your part is equivalent to saying you deserved what your W did or how she is behaving. I think I may have even said that earlier to you at some point.

You are 500% correct that NONE of us deserved these things despite our flaws. Other people have choices too and if they weren't happy, they could have gone about the "resolution" much, much differently to spare us so much hurt. Sure we may have been hurt at some level either way, anytime a "breakup" happens let alone a marriage ending, but doing it in a way that shows both real effort for the relationship and care for the other person was likely possible in the majority of our sitches.

So please don't take any of our 2x4s or accountability talks as you deserving what you're going through. All we mean to do is help you redirect your own behavior so that you can be more effective as a person overall.

To that end:

Divorce proceedings are going about as well as you’d expect when dealing with a manipulative, vindictive, entitled b’tch. I finally got to see her horns. The depth of darkness in this WW’s soul, Sandi’s descriptions don’t even scratch the surface.

I don't think it serves you to direct your anger to her in this way. Be angry, but don't go to her level by name-calling, etc. By doing so you are embodying the exact thing you hate. As a complete third party to your sitch, it comes off very unattractive even with me knowing the ways she has hurt you. In fact one of the key things I've made note of to look for in a new partner is how he talks about past relationships - and unless any of his exes were truly mega actually insane, I will probably think of it as a red flag if he immediately starts spewing off that so and so was a B, etc. The reason for that is because (in my opinion) it will show a level of maturity and stability in a man if he can talk about past relationships with tact. It doesn't mean that I will expect them to talk completely positively about that person, but there's a way you can acknowledge bad things people have done to you without it reflecting badly on you.

I am keeping the same thing in mind when I think about how I will talk about what's happened with me and my H, even when it comes to our mutual friends and family, because at the end of the day I don't want to give anyone ANY reason to look at how I'm behaving and think "hmm, maybe THAT's why he left her!" (or to give my H reason to hate me - although yes, I do realize he has given me plenty of reasons to hate him). I am hurt, but I am not crazy. If deep down I still care for my H, all I can do is feel sorry for him that he's going through something that has caused him to behave in the ways he's behaving. I am resentful and angry and all of the things too, but that's not who I am as a person and ultimately it won't really help accomplish anything.

So try to find a catharsis for your hurt and anger that is more productive, and position any feelings about your W in an empathetic way. For example, "I feel sorry for her that she can't find a way to work through her pain in a more constructive way" (and don't think this with a sarcastic sentiment either..you have to remember her behavior is an expression of her pain too).

The number one thing for you to remember is that no matter who it is in life, whether it's your W, your boss, bad drivers, anyone - YOU can control how you react to that, and how you consistently react forms your character. So don't let people who hurt you keep you down and perpetuate the issues you want to address in yourself. Rise above them and ONLY own your parts, not theirs.