TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Okay... yes, you guys are right, and I know this, I just needed to hear it I think and reinforce that I am doing the right thing, especially when it comes to a specific interaction like this vs. the hypothetical speak we usually talk about here. It feels so easy to screw up a real-time interaction so quickly.

The things you guys are saying do constantly cross my mind, and I have to keep it at the forefront that if he REALLY wants this, he will put his shame and whatever else aside to make it work, and if he wants to R but never does because of that, it's because he hasn't done the work he needs to anyway.

DV, I also appreciate what you said about him potentially respecting me more for filing first. I thought of that as well, but then I reminded myself that his first W also filed (after quite some time as well) and I know for sure that he didn't respect her one bit. Two different people and situations, and their relationship was much shorter, so maybe it's different in this sitch but then again I thought that about our whole M and clearly that was false thinking so who knows... if anything, I haven't actually acknowledged to him that I know he's living with OM and all this stuff my MIL had told me, so I hope maybe me filing did cause some extra thinking on his part about the reality of things (and give him a hint that I know parts of his reality that he may not think I know). But yeah, as if it matters to him at this point which we all agree it doesn't, at least not enough.

I just made myself a little dinner and all the while I was thinking about this and telling myself that I literally need to think of the pain I'm feeling right now like I'm a crack addict, not sadness about losing my H. It is my mind playing tricks on me wanting to pursue, just like a druggie needing a hit. Do I want to be a crackhead? HELL NO. So okay, feel this way if that's what it takes to get me clean. Oh man, it's absolutely so hard. No doubt the hardest thing WE'VE ever done, that I can't believe there's more than a few of us who some out of it alive.