TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[Yail]

Ok, I think I'm seeing how you two fit together a bit clearer now. Not in a bad way! Just getting to know you and your personality and his a bit too.

Thank you Yail. I do agree my self-awareness helps me a lot. I just get stuck in trying to figure out the psychological process of my H, and therefore what the best response on my side will be ("best" meaning most effective).

and

but from what I know about my H he's all about rationalizing on "technicalities" to justify things, especially when he's feeling guilty.

It sounds like you two are playing mindgames right now. Want to know how to make it stop? Remove yourself from the game. Do not speculate where he is at or his motivations. Did you ever think you would be in this situation with him? No. Because this is not the man you married. He is someone else right now, so you have to stop guessing his end-game or his process.

I know you are feeling powerless in all of this, but you are not powerless. Doing nothing is a conscious action. Doing nothing is a choice. Doing nothing = doing something. So don't feel like you're just sitting back without control - what you are actually doing is removing yourself from the chaos with a "que sera sera" mentality.

So yeah, I know he knows I didn't want this, back when everything first happened. But even though he doesn't have solid PROOF otherwise, I'm afraid (as I've always been) that even if he did have second thoughts or had thought about maybe trying to get back together, he would give himself some self talk like "she doesn't care anymore and you'll only make a fool of yourself by trying to see if she'd consider reconciling" or "you've hurt her so bad, we could never recover even if I wanted to", etc.

I talked about this in my thread before and I can't remember where we ended up with it, but basically I feel like I need to amend the original "I don't want this" with "I don't want this, *and I'm always willing to talk to you about it even if we get divorced in the meantime; even if you do really terrible things, etc. etc."

Sorry, 2x4 here. Do you want a half of a husband? Because that's all these actions could lead to. Him coming back out of guilt or because it's easier. No. You want someone who actively chooses you. Is it a bit hard or uncomfortable for him to come back? GOOD. Because he needs to know that if he comes back to you he has to fight a bit for it because you are worth that, and your potential R is worth that. If H comes back it will be because he wants that more than the discomfort of admitting he was wrong. You shouldn't put up road blocks for his path home, but you can't go get him and lead him back either. Telling him your feelings is pursuit - it's "going to get him". All you can do is leave the path clear then back the *bleep* away and do your own thing.

Let him justify walking away. It just means he is fighting with himself.