TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Thank you Yail. I do agree my self-awareness helps me a lot. I just get stuck in trying to figure out the psychological process of my H, and therefore what the best response on my side will be ("best" meaning most effective).

What I mean by that is, I agree that his mentioning he will "need some information to complete the [petition]" is NOT a temp check, 500%. But I have a hard time seeing it as he was moving forward per se, on his own terms, because it was ALL talk up to this point. The fact that him filing was on his "to-do" list since back in MAY has me really confused, because he keeps saying he wants it and is "going to" but then nothing seems to happen.

To your point about him completing the process, I fear that he is not actually feeling that HE is completing the process (and that perhaps that may even be his goal, to wear me down or drag things out so long that I take action so HE doesn't have to feel guilty filing for D). A pretty irrelevant detail in the grand scheme of things, I know, but from what I know about my H he's all about rationalizing on "technicalities" to justify things, especially when he's feeling guilty.

So you're right, from here on out I can still sit back and let him complete his step or not. I just kind of feel like I just gave him the mental permission he needs to do it without feeling guilty or remorseful or whatever he would have had to process had I said nothing at all about it.

Also, with all the views of my recent trip, which obviously I felt somewhat good about, his mind could easily be running just like mine is and making even more things up that aren't even true, also to justify moving forward. For example, "Oh, W just went on an amazing trip with friends, was happy and smiling.. now she filed already, she must be moving on/happy meeting other people/etc."

So yeah, I know he knows I didn't want this, back when everything first happened. But even though he doesn't have solid PROOF otherwise, I'm afraid (as I've always been) that even if he did have second thoughts or had thought about maybe trying to get back together, he would give himself some self talk like "she doesn't care anymore and you'll only make a fool of yourself by trying to see if she'd consider reconciling" or "you've hurt her so bad, we could never recover even if I wanted to", etc.

I talked about this in my thread before and I can't remember where we ended up with it, but basically I feel like I need to amend the original "I don't want this" with "I don't want this, *and I'm always willing to talk to you about it even if we get divorced in the meantime; even if you do really terrible things, etc. etc."

Really I guess there's two things, in a nutshell:
1) I don't want him to use this to justify his actions/relieve his guilt, which in my mind could prevent him from actually facing emotions that COULD lead him to wanting to reconcile, or

2) I don't want him to get to a point where he feels he wants to reconcile (whether that's today or a year from now) but be too ashamed to tell me because he either thinks I would blow him off and it'd just be embarrassing, or perhaps give himself that self-talk that "he's not good enough" for me because of the things he's done, so even if he has worked on himself he will only have new relationships going forward rather than trying to mend ours.

I really wish that even after filling out of these forms we would both have to appear in court, but unfortunately that's not the case.. only the petitioner does. Goes back to that "processing", and I really wanted him to have to be the one to stand in front of a judge and state the case. I feel like that experience alone would have a lot of weight (I know it will for me!) Maybe I could somehow still ask him to be there (without it being like "please I'd like you to be there" obviously) but reality is all the paperwork he's signing says he won't have to be.

I have to leave for a work trip tomorrow again and I'll have some coworkers gals there that I'll be happy to see, but this just hangs over me everywhere I go and I'm still trying desperately to see the fulfilling part of my process I'm also still not feeling 100% from being sick (it's taking forever). Not looking forward to traveling for that reason, although if I can admit something really sad, I almost enjoy being sick because it takes my mind off of "regular life" without H. I used to think the first time I got really sick I'd just be more sad that I don't have someone hear to help take care of me, but really that's more of an inconvenience than a loneliness thing. So instead I've realized that the inconvenience of me having to take care of myself is actually a good distraction, and I didn't mind being sick anymore as much. File under "more weird things you'll do/feel after being abandoned".