It has been a while since I posted but I have been quietly lurking in the background.
Thank you all who responded to my last question. I agree with what has been said, I am past the emotional slings and arrows (like the Shakespeare reference Yail), and for the most part, what my H says and does has little influence on how I live my day. I continue to go with my gut and try not to over think things. I know I am past the point where I need to protect myself by being detached. My H, is for the most part, unlike so many of the spouses here, considerate in his interactions with me and, in my eyes, and my children's eyes, still the best father I know.
Kiro - you asked about whether there is someone else. There was not when we split up. I discovered he had started dating in October (I caused a scene - not my finest moment). He was remarkably candid about it - he had seen her 3-4 times, she has more feelings for him then he has for her, he cannot see it going anywhere but we'd been apart for 7 months so "it was time to start seeing other people" etc etc - and again I know others will disagree with me, but I believe him. I do not know if it is still going on or if he has seen others. I do know that given how much time he spends with the children (and by inference me) and how attached he still is, that no woman has a chance of breaking through right now. I do not ask and he does not tell. He does not ask and I do not tell.
I believe now, as I did when I first joined, that my marriage can be saved. Some days I feel this more than others. I see the kindness, the small gestures .... and the little flame of hope shines a little brighter, then he does something that draws me away again. I believe it is the same for him. We draw a little closer, than pull a little apart. Fear of the past. Fears for the future. So we live in our present - we see each other daily, co-parent our children in as positive way as possible and do nice things for one another .. .so, in a word, we are still in limbo.
I have put my rings back on. Quietly, with no fanfare and no expectation that he will do the same. He has not mentioned it and he has not put his back on. I know what some of you reading this might think ... Plan B, right?. I did this after reading a post from Davide about being true to ourselves ... and to be true to myself is not to play games. I still go out with friends, I still go to the gym, I am still painting, I am still going skiing in Feb. I do not ask or require permission from him to do any of these things. But I am commitment to my marriage. If he pushes for a formal separation or a divorce, then I will not stand in his way but I am married and I'll be damned if I will pretend otherwise.
We are both trying to walk our paths but our paths keep converging. Sometimes I wish for the finality of a clean break but know that right now, that is not for us.
D12 has been having more issues - she has had another day off school (that's 4 since the school year started in September), her netball coach has recently had a word with us saying that D12's game is off and her soccer coach has benched her a few times for the same thing. H and I have agreed she needs a counsellor and we took her to the GP today to get a referral. H chose to sit in reception whilst D12 and I went in to see the doctor. I am a little annoyed at this but put it down to not wanting to take responsibility. However, that he recognizes there is a problem is enough for me right now.
D9 is doing brilliantly - she is my rock in all this. She knows just when I need a cuddle. She has her first sleepover tonight and I am staying up waiting for the call in case she panics and wants me to pick her up.
H is out with his idiot friend tonight (the one who even my H says was the catalyst in the BD). I smiled and wished him a nice evening when he left today. I think he recognizes that his friend is a moron but, as he is the only friend that ever calls him (his words not mine) and my H is short on buddies, then I guess, he needs the idiot in his life. I know that whole paragraph sounds bitter but I am genuinely not fussed anymore about who my H spends time with.
I have been going out a fair bit and perhaps drinking too much. I got very drunk the other night and ended up sleeping in a hotel in London (on my own). The boy walked me to the hotel but on the way, I tripped and hit my head on the pavement. I am currently sporting a black eye and a gash on one eyebrow. The gash is covered up with a fringe and the black eye with a ton of makeup (thank god for YouTube). Luckily no-one has noticed at work. I was in the car with my H and the children the day after the incident and I told the children that when mummy and daddy first met that mummy would fall over all the time, and they both laughed and told me that that was what daddy had told them the night before. H and I had a bit of a laugh about all the times I fell over back when we first started dating. it felt like the early days when he found my clumsiness endearing and not a character fault. That was when I decided to put my rings back on.
I do not feel closer to him today than I did when I last posted. I do feel more authentic though. Oh, and I negotiated a 10% pay rise at work ... which I think is worth celebrating (on my own eating ice cream, watching TV, waiting up just in case D9 wants me to come pick her up :))
