Emerging from my fog? (pain18 DB X)

[Phoenix9]

I plead with you to get professional help to learn anger management. Sometimes we need professionals who have been trained to teach us how to cope and what to do when we feel the anger flooding us. You have tried to force it under control by sheer will power, but that doesn't appear to be a healthy or effective manner.

Were you angry and cold toward your W before she became wayward? If so, then why were you angry?

I was. It began when W got pregnant. It was small passive-aggressive things, but suffice to say I was a bad H during that difficult time. She needed extra care and attention and quite simply, I did not give enough of that to her. I was always late coming home, I stayed downstairs when she would go to bed because of her fatigue, bad day at work, etc. The premature birth of our D just made it worse. She got hit with postpartum and her coping mechanisms just irritated me. I felt like I also needed more of her support because I was going through a terrible time and I was not getting it in the form I was expecting (NGS. Hidden contract). And as time progressed, I prioritized my feelings of my awful job over her feelings and needs constantly and took a lot for granted. Sex was even more scarce and I used porn instead (massive screw-up. I'm working on that as well via sex ed classes. Therapy is an option down the road).

She begged for help so many times. And I just felt that my job was more important. I felt that being a provider was something all husbands needed to do.

It goes without saying that I was very wrong.

I have been better about my anger in the last two weeks, but I do feel like I need to get this addressed. I just realized, I am getting help for my marriage (being a better Phoenix), my NGS, and soon sex therapy. Anger management is another thing I need to address.

Again, just thought about what W told me before she went WW, and it just fired off words in my brain like "hypocrite", "cheating liar", and other unsavory words.

What did she tell you before she went wayward that made her a cheating liar and hypocrite? You said she became a monster that you helped to create. If that's how you really feel, then why are you so angry toward her? Is it 100% about the affair? Her waywardness began in her mindset, before she ever overtly rebelled. I think you feel angry toward yourself, too, but she's been the target of your vindictiveness.

Sandi, the more that the days progress, the more I see why my W went WW. Before she went wayward, she gave me hints and clues that things were not good between us at all. She talked about how I felt about divorce (I said "Do what makes you happy" and basically shut her down), she talked about how she is getting close to OM1. She begged me for help, Sandi. She begged me to watch my words and anger because it was not going to end well at all. She gave me so many clues and warnings...and I just did not ignore them, I flipped them off and kicked them in the stomach. That's my part in creating this version of a hurt WW.

I was angry about the affair until two weeks ago when she opened up about my behavior and attitude. I told her again why she was doing what she was doing. I told her that I neglected her needs and as a result, she has gotten herself into this R with OM2. Since that day, I have felt more pity and sorrow for her. She is trying to salve her feelings with OM2 and whatnot, but she is not doing well at all. The HPV, the IUD incident, the stomach problems, and now she has a small amount of blood in her urine. She is coming apart, Sandi. I cannot continue to make it worse. She still loves me. She still is showing signs of love. I still feel like we have a chance. It is my last chance.

I am angry at myself, but instead of wallowing in pity and regret, I'm working on getting that fixed. I'm working on 180ing my own behaviors and moods. Hard work, but it's needed. I can say honestly that coming here has saved my LIFE. I don't know if my marriage will be saved, which was my original intention of joining this board, but the things I have learned about myself was eye-opening. And once I learned about how my behaviors led to this, I knew I HAD to change before I caused more damage, whether it's with WW, or another woman.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting you compromise your core values and where you stand on cheating/affairs. I'm not suggesting you start jumping through hoops to win her back. I'm saying that she needs to feel respect and admiration for her H. If all she is seeing is a cold, angry, vindictive man......then it's going to cloud her feelings of respect. A wife must feel respect for her H, in order for her to have those warm, desirable feelings of admiration that all H's want their W's to have. I promise you that she won't have those feelings if you are wanting to punish her.
If you want to save your M, then everything from her point of view must be seen through eyes of respect for you as a man and as her H. So, you have to figure out how to be a man that draws respect from his W.

Without receiving professional help to heal and deal with your anger and self pity, I have doubts your MR will be able to survive it. I think the MR can survive the affair, but not your mismanaged anger issues.

I won't compromise my values. I sincerely think that she is relying on me to get my crap together because she still has hope for us. I need to be the strong, level-headed man she NEEDS. OM2 is not that man. OM2 is just a band-aid.

And since I started DBing she has been respecting and admiring the changes I have been making and being the person she has wanted for a very long time. It took her calling me a pr*ck and a-hole as well as her crying in front of me to realize the extent of damage my anger has caused. It hit home when she told me that she dreads coming home when I am in the house because of my unpredictable behavior. That is when it struck me hard. I have become someone who I never wanted to be growing up. I have become my dad. And that is what is prompting me to drop the anger and begin the "thawing" process. I'm not doing it to save the MR. I'm doing to save what we have for each other. And I do feel like it's love. I really do.

I have been slowly warming up to her in the last two weeks. I ask her about her day sometimes, I am responding more to her calls and texts in a timely manner, and most of all, I am being more pleasant when I talk to her. I joke a bit (she laughs). I am trying to be the person she fell in love with. Because that was when she was happiest.

I just don't think I am ready to spend a long period of time with her. It still hurts. And I don't trust her.

No, you aren't ready. Of course it still hurts.......she's still in an active affair. There was no reconciliation between you and your W. My concern is that if she ended her affair today and said she wanted to work on the MR......you would continue having those same thoughts/emotions you are experiencing today......unless you seek help in healing. It doesn't just go away b/c the affair ended. That's why I am pleading with you to turn to professional therapy, so you can learn how to deal with your anger and pain.

I hear you Sandi. I will make some phone calls Monday and get the help I need. It's a blessing that we haven't R yet. If we did, I would end up back on here in worse shape. Very thankful that I have more time.

I am working on exuding the aura that people GET to be with me.

Maybe you need to work on self confidence, rather than exuding the aura that people GET to be with you. I would think the latter could be misread by others as arrogance. Just my thoughts. (((hugs)))

Like I said previously, it's difficult for some men to find balance in this stuff. Trying to accomplish these goals while suffering from intense emotional pain, says a lot about you as an individual. It means you have not given up on yourself. I like that in a person. As long as there is growth, that's a sign there is life.......and hope.

Ok. I do see the cockiness from my saying that people GET to be with me. I think it's just pushing my self-confidence goal to the extreme end (I have a pattern of this behavior, don't I?).

I need to go through this pain and loss. It is what I needed to have pain18 die and be reborn as Phoenix9. I deserve the best version of myself. My D4 deserves it.

And my WW deserves it. I think she is relying on me to be that person.

I cannot thank you and this board enough for your support. It's been life-changing.