My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 5

[ovrrnbw]

She is back in the home. Truly, she never left the home, just packed bags for days at a time then dropped in for more clothes or stayed the night when she felt like it. Maybe that's a bit contradicting.

She has been in the MBR every night since the end of October. But she ran back to OM twice at the end of November and once right before Christmas. Her parents also still make excuses for her doing this. I told the inlaws on Thanksgiving that she ran back to the OM again. They went psycho asking me how I knew that. I told them I had a friend look, but really I looked at our car's app b/c it has GPS and maps showing when and where it goes. I asked the inlaws if they could keep this between us if I told them how I knew she was there, they agreed. But they lied to my face, b/c my wife told me they told her and asked why I'd send a certain friend to look. I told W why would you be there? It wouldn't matter if you didn't lie to me.

The inlaws and a couple of W's friends have been adamant in saying it's not an affair. This was never an issue until I finally used the word affair in May of last year and told W that I was going to sleep in the MBR again and that I was done sleeping in the guest bedroom. A month or two later, W and her friends or parents had come up with the saying that W and I were separated, and that it wasn't an affair. I reminded W that she began the EA at least a month before dropping the bomb on me and that even after the BD she was hanging out with me and going place and sleeping with me and having sex with me. I also reminded her that she never separated in any true sense: she never moved out, never separated finances, and never had a conversation about separating. And W has said repeatedly that she doesn't believe in divorce. Anyways, I'm done talking to the inlaws about anything of consequence.

W and her parents said, maybe 6 months ago, that Over has been mean to W for a long time, even since before getting married. When I finally got a little stronger I said, yes, and W made her vows knowing that - so it's not an excuse. W and the inlaws also try to justify W's affair by assuming that my mom had one too. I don't know if it's true or not, and really even if my mom did, it doesn't justify anyone else doing. W and her parents also try to compare me to my father. My father has been divorced 5 or 6 times and has at least 8 kids. He is older, stuck in his ways, and obviously not good at relationships. My mom was his last wife, and they were married for almost 17 years, with 3 kids. He is much worse than I've ever been to my W. He hit my mom at least once, yelled at her often, and treated her horribly. What my dad did is not the same as what I did. I've never shared that with W though.

In my early 20's, I was so adamant about being different than my dad. I had successful relationships where I treated women very well for the most part. When W and I started dating, things were great for the first year, but we did not relate well to each other because of our vastly different upbringings. However, our passion for each other always overcame our differences and fights. I've never fought with a girl in an R like I used to with my W when we were dating and married.

I also have an identical twin brother who I don't see or talk to anymore. He is very much like my dad, in that he has never had a less than stellar evaluation of how he treats people. My relationship with my brother ultimately ended over a very small amount of money. We tried a couple of times to be around each other, but we never fully got through it and the relationship is still broken. The last time I saw my brother was Memorial Day weekend at the lake where I screamed at him and my dad. My brother, dad, and I all bought a boat together right before I met my W. My brother stopped paying his share of it for no reason a couple years after we bought it, but my Dad would still let my brother use it. My dad did, and does, make excuses for my brother's poor behavior. He always wanted my brother to come around, and was scared that if he was too honesty with him, that my brother would not come around. NGS, anyone? So I'm knowing all of this, and am going the complete opposite way of my dad and brother. I'm concerned with being a good person to everyone I meet and trying to do the right thing in life, marriage, and everything really. Hopefully that's not too much of a tangent.

W sent OM a Snapchat message to break up (around Xmas) instead of calling him like I said to her, so that I could hear it. All I saw was a snapchat back from OM saying "F you". We have a GPS app to see where each other is whenever we want so that I know she isn't with OM. She doesn't know it, but her car also provides this info to me. When W came home on Christmas, she had been blowing up my phone for days and was crying and in tears wanting to be with me and was sorry and everything. But that remorse has faded. Do I discuss with W? Do I say nothing? Do I bring it up in MC? Who knows.....but I am tired of shackling who I am.

She basically still says she didn't do anything wrong, with a few caveats in there. But her behavior throughout everything tells a different story. I don't know how strong her desire is to fix things. I feel like it's still limbo, I'm definitely not comfortable sharing everything and being with her. But we hug and kiss goodbye every day. Things definitely aren't right, and I don't know what to do exactly. I've come a ways in not letting her treat me like crap IMO.

W is not yelling at me or hitting me or anything, things are much better than back in the summer. Blu, what is the work she needs to do, and how does that happen? We have the boundaries I laid out a couple pages ago.

Another truth nugget is that I'm afraid to go GAL and make plans without W. We both may be a bit codependent. She definitely is, and I am trying to accommodate her relationship expectations by not GAL. But it's also tough right now b/c I have a bunch of online training to complete by the end of the month and I have to sign a lease on office space for the new job by the end of the month. Anyways, fire more questions at me - I'm sure you'll have them. Here are some details, and I won't run off this time. I won't hide by abandoning my thread again. And I promise I'm not hiding by writing so extensively. Hell, maybe Sandi will love this!