Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Rita]

Dear Westo and Coly and Job, thank you so much for the visit and for caring so much about me and the virtual hugs. I feel like you all just made me a big comforting pot of tea.

Westo, your brave admission of your struggle might help you to understand my H. My H is an alcoholic. His father decimated him in every way and is usually drunk by 11 am. He had a very difficult childhood and ran away from home a lot. I came from a house that included substance abuse and violence, but I was never tempted by alcohol or drugs, quite the opposite. But my brother did everything. We all struggle with some terrible darknesses, and my H's struggle clearly overcame him.

Westo, I myself could never ever forgive him. Of course not. Not what he says but what he has done. I wrestle with fear, hatred, bitterness, despair.

But I do not forgive him on my own strength. I ask God to give me something I don't have, something that only God has. Because God loves my H. God can judge him on my behalf if I let him. God can forgive him. So my prayers are that God would allow me to have forgiveness and love for my H when there is none left in my own heart. And I assure you, God does it.

I don't think you can understand this if you have no faith. When I started my journey, I did not know if I believed in God but I started talking to Him. Then I started saying a prayer or two. Things happen to you when you open your heart to God, and more things happen when you are obedient to God's will even when you don't want to be. I know if you are not religious this will sound like poppycock. But all I can say is that I know that I know it is true. God does not look at circumstances. Mine are very bleak. Believing that God can fix this does not mean I am sure He will. It just means that I am sure that I can't, and that only God can and that he will either do so or provide me with the means to live in the light even if my circumstances are dark. It is a surrender of the self, it is a leap. It is not rational. Just like I can't reason with my irrational H, likewise you can't offer me a rational explanation of why I should change my vision of marriage just because my H has changed his. And likewise I can't offer a rational explanation to understand my faith except to say that I am released from a slavery of the mind and heart that would never be possible without continuing to ask God to help me do that. But don't worry, I don't think that my H is definitely coming back. I am not deluding myself as to the various possible outcomes here. I just don't think that has anything to do with my obedience to God.

To put it hyperbolically (and at risk of repeating myself) -- If I found myself in the death camps during the Holocaust, I would hope that I would continue to serve others, care for others before myself, do everything I could to show love and kindness to others at the risk of dying myself. Facing something unthinkably wrong, horrible, dark, evil, immoral does not change what is Good.

Love to you all. Please keep visiting, it helps a lot. I have a lot of really low days right now.