Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Gerda]

There was a lot of thought put into your post, I liked it. Well done.... I would like to point something out - you are not speaking about fear. You are also not speaking in a depressing manner. This situation is all happening right now, and you are in the moment - not in fear. Well done! DnJ

You are such a good support to me! I don't know if you even realize what a bubble of criticism I live in. All I can do is put up walls to try to block it out. Even in my prayers I am always begging God to give me a sign that He is pleased with me and that I am not doing it all wrong. So it means so much to have you recognize anything good in me.

In fact that temptation I mentioned with that one man is in large part being fueled by the same thing except that he is helping me dig out of the business problems and helping me draft divorce stuff so he also metaphorically shakes me up enough to keep me from getting too proud of myself. Also he shows up at our meetings with blond hairs of one of his lady friends still on his sweater, so that helps.

I am probably going to harp about this till your sick about it - speak to L about this. DnJ

I do talk to her about things but she is extremely hard to reach and you know how these L's are all tired of hearing the same stuff over and over so they only respond to the things they are going to act on. But she said she was totally shocked with the offer they sent, giving up on 50-50 custody in that way. And she said that what they sent is way better than anything I will get without a trial, especially because the judge I got does not care about marriage (has never been married) or children, unless they are being beaten. And then we got notice yesterday that the court already appointed a GAL and we had to pay her 10K out of "marital funds," of which there are none. So my L has contacted her to ask for a little time to see if we can work out custody issues without her. I drafted my offer with my friend with the sweater yesterday, and he thought what I had come up with was good, just added a few things. He was angry that I was giving up so much in terms of money but I kept telling him that I don't care about losing some money in order to have freedom from this process or from ever having to talk about money with my H again.DnJ[/quote]

Let your L deal with it. Let her find the best deal for you.DnJ

As far as the rest,I think the issue I am facing is that I live in an extremely liberal state that defaults to 50-50 and equal split of assets. Even if my H is horrible, the court does not care, they want to give him co-parenting. I read a lot of horror stories and talked to friends, and even thought about what Marina is going through and talked to a lesbian mom I know about that -- she said it wasn't surprising considering her own horrifying and costly custody battle in an extremely liberal state. Her daughter is suicidal over the joint custody arrangement and the court wouldn't accept the psychiatric report over the other mom's right to coparent!

So I need to be pragmatic about what is actually going to be possible when a court is deciding the fate of your kids and home. I need to make a deal while he is hungry for money so that I can save my kids from worse and possibly save my house.

Also I don't think you or Job or anyone who has talked about the house understands because of my attempt to be vague -- but this house is basically a Bed and Breakfast. I am not attached to it because it is my home, though I do love it despite the fact that it is slowly turning into a shack with leaking everything. 90% of my attachment to it is as an amazing business and investment that will never ever happen again. Selling it would mean I would have to leave everything as I would not be able to afford to even live in my city anymore, I would leave all my jobs that allow me a very flexible schedule to pursue my artistic career and be there for my kids. I would not be able to live in a place that pays for itself. And my kids would have to leave home, school, church community, everything. It just doesn't make any sense to do that if I can avoid it.

If I can't make the deal, I did look up the GAL and she sounds actually pretty great, so maybe it will be to my benefit. Though how I will come up with 5K, I have no idea.

Gerda, you know I care about you DnJ

Indeed, I think I do! You know the same I hope.

Some of the advice may sound a bit harsh to you - right now. In time, you will see it is exactly what you need to hear.

You are at the cusp of clarity. Rip off the veil of denial and let go. Peace and freedom is waiting for you.DnJ

I am not sure if what you are calling denial I am calling hope. I have no problem making a practical deal to move H forward. I am not sure what will happen after D. I know I am tempted. But I am not tempted to make a new life with someone. I am not sure what will happen as far as a distraction. I am ready for a life on my own if that's God's will and looking forward to the peace and productivity it might bring. But I am very clear on what God has shown me about his will. It's not a popular stance on these parts but please remember I chose to convert to a religion that has nuns and priests. The faith of the nuns and priests I know, the willingness to surrender the chance for earthly love to devote a life to God is a powerful testimony for me. I understand that commitment to God. Marriage is my vocation and if God is allowing my marriage to die, He will either resurrect it or give me the means to find joy in my life as a wife without a husband.

Or to add to what one great man has said -- I may give up, but definitely not today. I think God wants to find me on this rocky path up a dark mountain. My husband may or may not be waiting up there in the cleft but God is.