Emerging from my fog? (pain18 DB X)

[sandi2]

I plead with you to get professional help to learn anger management. Sometimes we need professionals who have been trained to teach us how to cope and what to do when we feel the anger flooding us. You have tried to force it under control by sheer will power, but that doesn't appear to be a healthy or effective manner.

Were you angry and cold toward your W before she became wayward? If so, then why were you angry?

Again, just thought about what W told me before she went WW, and it just fired off words in my brain like "hypocrite", "cheating liar", and other unsavory words.

What did she tell you before she went wayward that made her a cheating liar and hypocrite? You said she became a monster that you helped to create. If that's how you really feel, then why are you so angry toward her? Is it 100% about the affair? Her waywardness began in her mindset, before she ever overtly rebelled. I think you feel angry toward yourself, too, but she's been the target of your vindictiveness.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting you compromise your core values and where you stand on cheating/affairs. I'm not suggesting you start jumping through hoops to win her back. I'm saying that she needs to feel respect and admiration for her H. If all she is seeing is a cold, angry, vindictive man......then it's going to cloud her feelings of respect. A wife must feel respect for her H, in order for her to have those warm, desirable feelings of admiration that all H's want their W's to have. I promise you that she won't have those feelings if you are wanting to punish her.
If you want to save your M, then everything from her point of view must be seen through eyes of respect for you as a man and as her H. So, you have to figure out how to be a man that draws respect from his W.

Without receiving professional help to heal and deal with your anger and self pity, I have doubts your MR will be able to survive it. I think the MR can survive the affair, but not your mismanaged anger issues.

I just don't think I am ready to spend a long period of time with her. It still hurts. And I don't trust her.

No, you aren't ready. Of course it still hurts.......she's still in an active affair. There was no reconciliation between you and your W. My concern is that if she ended her affair today and said she wanted to work on the MR......you would continue having those same thoughts/emotions you are experiencing today......unless you seek help in healing. It doesn't just go away b/c the affair ended. That's why I am pleading with you to turn to professional therapy, so you can learn how to deal with your anger and pain.

I am working on exuding the aura that people GET to be with me.

Maybe you need to work on self confidence, rather than exuding the aura that people GET to be with you. I would think the latter could be misread by others as arrogance. Just my thoughts. (((hugs)))

Like I said previously, it's difficult for some men to find balance in this stuff. Trying to accomplish these goals while suffering from intense emotional pain, says a lot about you as an individual. It means you have not given up on yourself. I like that in a person. As long as there is growth, that's a sign there is life.......and hope.