My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 5

[BluWave]

I do think Ovr's sitch is different than yours Steve. His WW has been blantantly disrespectful in several ways (cheating, denying OM, yelling at him, hitting him with pillows, then blowing up his phone, then crying, then running back to OM, and all the drama, rinse and repeat) and it has taken Ovr quite a long time to draw up some boundaries. Steve, your sitch unfolded quickly and you immediately did not tolerate anything from her, in fact you have said you were the one that BD her. My concern for Ovr is that he has essentially taught her that it's okay to treat him that way. He has agreed (or seems he did) to reconcile and she has not even ended her A or provided proof of ending. In fact, she has continued to deny it's even an A. I do NOT think its possible to piece with an active A and I see that he is holding back progress by allowing get her back so prematurely. It shows extreme weakness.

Ovr, I worry about you. I know you are a very smart and caring person: I've read your thoughtful and intelligent posts to others. I don't think you are trying to take your own good advice. And, it's hard to follow what's happening with you because you tend to dip out of posting on your thread for weeks at a time. I don't think you are just taking a break because you share very little now and you used to share a lot of details often. I understand it can be hard! I get it! I also get the sense you may not want us to know things. Do you feel shame that you allow her to treat you so poorly? Do you feel stuck that you have now let her back and she hasn't even shown proof of ending her A? Do you walk on eggshells knowing she could run right back to him? It sounds as if you are waiting for her to be remorseful and looking for validation from others. But these other people did not take their WW back while in an active A.

I personally didn't allow my H back until he not only ended his A and showed proof, but also when he showed true remorse and desire to be with me. That's what I deserve and so do you! And yes, his remorse did increase down the road as he more grasped what he had done, that's natural, as the more time that passes they see things more clearly..... But you have to have a starting point first. I think you know that but are either scared or have low self esteem. So instead of biting the bullet and taking her back without conditions, why not turn to us here and ask what you should do? We can help but you have to slow down and follow the advice.

I hope you will stay with us here in this thread. Don't look at what others say about their WW taking a long time to be remorseful, because that reads as you making excuses for her. Sure, she may not be remorseful yet, but if she hasn't even done the work to start piecing, then none of that even matters. That work starts with her ending her A and offering you transparency. Please don't dodge this post, even if you don't to like it. We owe it to each other to be honest. I have been reading here for many years, well before I started an acct, and I can tell you that the posters that allowed their S back too soon ended up right back in the same sitch. We don't want that for you!

Blu