Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Turbine]

Reading through DejaVu6's thread. Talking about GAL and detaching. Do stuff to take your mind off the sitch. Well I am at work and running on autopilot testing some meters. Pay attention right? Except I have tested maybe 200 or so of these to date. So yeah... almost sleep through the testing.

So I have way too much time to dwell on all the my faults, what if, I love her, etc...

Fly Solo commented that if they want the D you wold have the paperwork. Well I have the paperwork. Have met the lawyer and she is intent on proceeding.

So is any DB effort just for me? *chorus* Yes!!!

That future isn't the one I want. It looks like the future I am forced into. Not too good at this fake it...

I don't hate her. Quite the opposite. Just makes it tougher. Pretty sure all she sees is needy. I am trying to not be and make progress on Turbine 2.0.

So further reading. DnJ commented on making decisions based on convictions and not feelings. I have been reacting from feelings. How much of this is because I tried being not true to myself. Possibly still not true to myself... Brings up some thoughts about society and some of the garbage going on there.

Yet as much as I want this to be over and back in a happy loving marriage to my Mahal. I said WANT, not need. How much does that distinction mean? An indication my mindset is shifting oh so slowly? Something to cheer? Or to dread?

Far to many questions. About what happened. Where this ends. What I am trying to do and accomplish. Got lots of questions about rediscovering my relationship with Christ. I am trying to be honest in these efforts. God and my wife both will know the truth even as I struggle with it.

Session with the trainer tonight at the gym. Not much of a distraction from her. Not helping wear me out either. I am calmer so it will continue.

So that was written yesterday and now after having shoveled the driveway I can get to the other tasks for today. Plus note I have my cardio out of the way. Okay, the bulk of it.

Feel like I have pulled myself back to the beginning. How much of what I am doing is for me and not for her? Right now I have no real idea.

Sort of threw faith related questions in that theme at the minister. Am I lying to myself in my effort to return to the church? Might be able to fool myself and the people there, but fool God?

So based on what I put here I think I am doing something wrong.

I want my wife. I want the marriage. It has been a long time to try and really think of me separate from US. So I really need to be me and can want the rest yet not there yet.