Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 5)

[Bo562]

I'm wondering if she wants to rush this and get you to agree to everything because how else would she explain to the courts how she accused you of abuse and getting a RO against you or whatever, but then needing you to watch the kids while she's away for 3 months.

Unclear—please explain? Sorry in a bit of a mental fog.

- What custody agreement does she want? I think you've said it's 50-50 with the kids staying at home and the two of you switching in and out of the home (nesting)?

This is what she wants.

It sounds like you both can agree to 50-50, but you do not agree to nesting out of the house half the time. You would rather she move out and live elsewhere and then you do a 50-50 split like most of the separated/ divorced world does? If that's what you want, have you made that clear to her?

Yup. I tried drawing a hard line with her and basically asked her to leave if she wants out. She freaked and isn’t having any of it, because she wants to leave me, not the kids.

What exactly is she expecting? She’s the one who wants out.

If she yells and screams and threatens to go to court then tell her you are prepared to do that.

This is basically her right now—gets hyper-emotional, threatens me, asks if she needs a lawyer.

You say you want to stay in the house as long as possible, and that you don't want to give up time with the kids. But you WILL have to give up time with the kids, that is inevitable. And if you can't afford the house on your own then it is also inevitable that at some point you will have to leave it. With that in mind, what are your goals after S and D?

You’re right—if this goes through, I’ll have to give up time with the kids, no matter what. W wants to keep kids in the current residence because it’s a really good school system, and even OS has mentioned about how he loves where we live and doesn’t want to move (we haven’t told him anything about us yet, but he’s volunteered that).

Goals after S/D? Unless we recon / piece, try to pursue an annulment (not really interested in discussing the likelihood of that at this time), work on self, love the kids, and hopefully date / find someone new in time. I do know that I am worthy of that, in time.

The DB'ing mantra is don't help her, but don't interfere either. I think right now you are interfering by continuing to put her off with the "I need to think about it" comments. I told you before that if you want to think about it then tell her "I need to think this over, can we talk about it on Thursday evening?" or whatever date works for you. Don't just leave it open-ended. Again, you want to be decisive and confident.

Being decisive and confident has been a struggle at various times for me in life. I’m trying so hard to be confident—I struggle with pushback from being confident and maintaining that in front of others.

Well that's not a bad thing. I mean she could have opened with "you need to leave and I want 95% custody, you get the kids every other weekend". The nesting arrangement is a compromise from where she could have started. I understand it doesn't work for you, but my point is she does appear to be thinking about the kids which is something at least.

You’re right, as always. She’s not a monster, and I know that. She is trying to consider the kids, but I deep in my heart of hearts know that if she wants to consider the kids, a D doesn’t seem like the answer to her / our problems. It’s also not about what I think / feel at this point.

Hmmm, well I'm not sure I would call it good or bad. In her current mindset there's really nothing you can do to placate her. She'll find a reason to hate you for just about anything. But if you're doing it for the kids then it's OK. Just don't have any expectations that it'll change anything.

Everything I say or do just pi$$es her off at this point, pretty much.

Trying to keep the kids in mind, trying to be a better husband / father. I have no expectations that it will change anything between us—I’m trying to change and improve myself in the hope for MR 2.0, or someone else down the road.