I mentioned earlier that to separate (for any length of time), she would have to start the divorce paperwork (this sounds so bass-awkwards, but then again it is Cali). What she wants to do is get the custody squared away (parenting plan / bird-nesting or whatever), and the start the paperwork in the courts, we lived separated, and then re-assess whether we follow-through with legal divorce later (guessing September is about when she wants to re-assess). She’d be gone for 3-ish months by then, so she’d want to figure it out by then. I mean, we’d already be separated by then—it’s just that she’d be 3000 miles away for 3 additional months. Why not more separation? (I know, I know: unless she wants to GGW it up or A it up while she’s in training).
OK I think I get it. I'm wondering if she wants to rush this and get you to agree to everything because how else would she explain to the courts how she accused you of abuse and getting a RO against you or whatever, but then needing you to watch the kids while she's away for 3 months.
So can you clarify this just so we understand how close together or far apart the two of you are on an agreement:
- What custody agreement does she want? I think you've said it's 50-50 with the kids staying at home and the two of you switching in and out of the home (nesting)?
- What custody agreement do you want? I think all you've said is you don't want to leave home and you don't want the nesting agreement. But assuming S and D do happen, what agreement would you be OK with?
It sounds like you both can agree to 50-50, but you do not agree to nesting out of the house half the time. You would rather she move out and live elsewhere and then you do a 50-50 split like most of the separated/ divorced world does? If that's what you want, have you made that clear to her? It sounds like you just keep telling her you'll think about it, which just continues to make you look wishy-washy and indecisive. Whatever you want, tell her what it is and then stick to your guns. If she yells and screams and threatens to go to court then tell her you are prepared to do that. Also, tell her why you don't want a nesting arrangement. I don't think you've made that clear either. You say you want to stay in the house as long as possible, and that you don't want to give up time with the kids. But you WILL have to give up time with the kids, that is inevitable. And if you can't afford the house on your own then it is also inevitable that at some point you will have to leave it. With that in mind, what are your goals after S and D?
I'm reminded of when my ex said she was going to leave (separate) and I told her I would rather her stay and work on the M with me, but if she left I would not stop her and would support her regardless of her decision. A day or two later she asked me why SHE had to be the one to leave. I told her she was the one leaving the M and I should not be inconvenienced anymore that I already was being by it. She told me later that even though it made her mad at the time, she really respected how I handled things, I remained firm and consistent throughout and most of all- CALM. Remember the lighthouse analogy.
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Why should I help her leave me? And I have zero interest in vacating the household any sooner than I absolutely have to. Why—so she could later on claim abandonment? No thanks.
The DB'ing mantra is don't help her, but don't interfere either. I think right now you are interfering by continuing to put her off with the "I need to think about it" comments. I told you before that if you want to think about it then tell her "I need to think this over, can we talk about it on Thursday evening?" or whatever date works for you. Don't just leave it open-ended. Again, you want to be decisive and confident.
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She wants me to cooperate with her and put both of us aside for the sake of the kids.
Well that's not a bad thing. I mean she could have opened with "you need to leave and I want 95% custody, you get the kids every other weekend". The nesting arrangement is a compromise from where she could have started. I understand it doesn't work for you, but my point is she does appear to be thinking about the kids which is something at least.
Originally Posted by Bo562
Go ahead and 2x4 me for this if I need or deserve it....
On Tuesday, she went on about how she needs / wants a partner, and later mentioned that it is hard getting everyone out the door in the AM.
In an attempt to validate and listen to her, I offered a proposal: That I still get up on weekday school mornings early to shower / get dressed, but then I stick around until 6:45–7:00 or so to help with the boys and take some stuff down to her car to help with that.
Hmmm, well I'm not sure I would call it good or bad. In her current mindset there's really nothing you can do to placate her. She'll find a reason to hate you for just about anything. But if you're doing it for the kids then it's OK. Just don't have any expectations that it'll change anything.
