My mood and feelings hit a blue area today. Thoughts of WW with OM began to flood my mind again. I thought about who WW once was, about how cheating is the worst thing in the world, about how she would never sleep with someone else, and how she would never hurt me. I look at that, and even though I know that my WW is someone different and is taken over by this monster (who I created) who is doing all of those things. The sadness got a boost when I realized that my circle of friends around me have a SO in one form or the other. And I just look at what is going on and just wonder...am I doomed to this? I am trying to tell myself that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I am working on exuding the aura that people GET to be with me. It's a struggle. Especially today.
I'm working on changing my mindset and stop feeling sorry for myself and "broadcast" it to the public. I am trying to put on a positive face, even if I'm hurting inside. So far, it seems to be working. And as an added bonus, I do feel some of the positivity when I act it out.
Originally Posted by sandi2
If she sends you a text and you always wait a while before responding........the mystery has left. It's okay to delay responding sometimes, but if you've made this a routine behavior, then I think you've over-killed it a bit. But........whatever.
I did. I'm trying to warm up gradually. It was how I was behaving before I found the emails. I sometimes think that we were on our way towards R but I had to pursue and then blow up at her for showing affection in front of our D4 and sexing someone else (even typing that is bringing up anger in me). I then tell myself that it needed to happen because I was still looking over my shoulder to see if my attempts at DBing was being noticed by WW. I know that I was doing DBing for getting WW back, not to improve myself, even though I told you all otherwise.
I needed to find the emails. I needed to let go completely. But I did not need to be so angry about it for a long time.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
I just don't want to nice anything.
My concern was that your anger was the driving force in your attempt to overcome your NGS. Your vindictiveness was turning you into anything but nice. You were not showing attractive traits, b/c you were trying to be the hard, cold, bad guy. You don't want to turn into a jerk.....in an attempt to overcome your NGS. Is there no middle ground between acting civil and being too accommodating? You have to learn how to get along with people, and at the same time.....not allow them to use you for their own advantage. You can say, "No", without being hateful or cold about it. There may be some instances where you will need to stand up to someone who is disrespecting you, and if that's the case.....don't be afraid of losing their love, friendship, or whatever the association. When you do something good for someone, don't do it with the expectations of getting some desired results in return. Don't forsake your self respect and compromise your integrity in order for the other person to accept you.
IMHO, I think not being a "nice guy" is so foreign to men with NGS, that in their attempt to overcome it......they go too far the other direction. I just don't want to see this happen to you. That's why I was trying to reign you in, when I read what your W said. It sounded as if she was speaking from a place of hurt, instead of anger.
Anyway, try to stay in the middle of the road, and don't swing too far over either side. I don't want to confuse you, and sometimes I feel I do.
I tried not to let my feelings go rogue and back towards angry territory. I was triggered by her behaviors to act out of anger. Again, just thought about what W told me before she went WW, and it just fired off words in my brain like "hypocrite", "cheating liar", and other unsavory words. And that just continued to fuel my angry detachment. I was hurt by the person who promised would never hurt me. I felt betrayed and hurt by her actions and I wanted to let her know how badly it affected me.
It wasn't until I had the heart to heart with WW that I realized that she is acting out of hurt, not out of anger like you said, Sandi. That was when I decided to forgive her. That was when I told myself that this time is likely my last time to save the marriage. And I started to take the steps of being more pleasant to her, help her, and converse with her when she texts or calls me.
I just don't think I am ready to spend a long period of time with her. It still hurts. And I don't trust her.
I was not confused, I just took things farther than I should have.
