Hi Sage - Wow, an early start! Yes, I'm now happily chasing down my cheese tunnels I'm honestly quite detached from this problem now. I've promised myself to revisit this in a month's time.
In the meantime, I'm working on getting myself a life, and having fun re-connecting with friends.
The strange thing is that H seems to be more open to talk about how he is trying to get to a point of no contact with OW. He really does not have anyone else to talk to, and I think it helps him think more clearly. Strange but true
The thing I'mnow trying to figure out is how to get H to understand that strong women still enjoy romance, tenderness and all that jazz.
Hope you are enjoying the school holidays. Slowly.
Quote: The strange thing is that H seems to be more open to talk about how he is trying to get to a point of no contact with OW. He really does not have anyone else to talk to, and I think it helps him think more clearly. Strange but true
With not being up to speed with your sitch, I think this is a positive, that your H is talking to you is great! My H also talks to me about OW stuff, I really don't like hearing it, but my H has no one else to talk to either.
Your H is trying to get to a point of no contact and this may take time, but he is working on it and knows he has to get her out of his life.
Just want to comment on one thing, because I believe it's grossly underestimated.
You mentioned a negative being a lingering cold... well, I've finally forced myself to acknowledge that I don't think well or make good decisions when I feel crappy. Maybe this is a good time to post a yellow sticky on your mirror saying:
"Rest and be nice to yourself. You deserve it!"
And no big thinking bouts until you're at the top of your game!!!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Betsey - No thinking bouts sounds good to me Just a wee bit of journaling:
Positives + H came home early again , we had lunch, worked through the afternoon and H joined me to see my friend for tea. I used to think of these little moments of togetherness as mundane, but now, I find that when I do stop to appreciate them, the joy is magnified. Ever wonder how much of life's gifts are overlooked because we are in too much of a hurry, or our expectations are so out of kilter, we take these nice moments for granted? This speaks to Betsey's signature line we CAN view everything as a miracle. Clever man, Einstein + property viewer seemed interested, hopefully she will make an offer + we are both feeling better, the cold seems to be losing. I'm taking Betsey's and Deb's excellent advice and not dwelling on negatives or heavy thinking while recovering
Off to visit my mum this weekend and catching up with a couple of friends. I plan to SAVOUR THE MOMENT and not let analysis of the past, or speculation of the future, and definitely desire to CONTROL things, interfere with what promises to be a wonderful weekend.
Have a good one everyone, looking forward to catching up with y'all on Monday. Hugs, Slowly
Hi Cathy - It is so comforting to hear that your H talks to you about how he is winding things down with OW too Like you, though it is painful for me, I'd rather he has SOMEONE to talk to. I'll catch up with your story next week, sounds like I could pick up a few tips Have a peaceful weekend. Slowly
Hi Slowly ... I'm aware I haven't been around that much during you're current thread, altho you are far from lacking in getting such insight advise ... finally have a moment to catch back up.
One thing that struck me was...
Quote: This is both an asset as well as a problem. I'm speculating that part of OW's attraction was that she was not 'strong'. H repeatedly tells me he always thought we would be ok, because I'm a strong woman I need to find a way to make him see that being strong does not mean not wanting tenderness. Ideas welcome
I'm going to take a slightly different approach ... maybe what H is attracted to are some aspects of vulnerability? Whether it be wanting the oppurtunity to be the prince that saves the damsel in distress or just to know that you don't always have an ironclad grasp on everything you're dealing with. Could it be every so often, he might like to be in a position where he can swoop in and save the day for you? I kinda got that impression over the vacation travel plans ... where you gathered all the info, then went to him and ask for his imput and after you both decided on what you wanted to do, he took charge of the arrangements.
... or ...
from a romantic angle ... maybe some role-playing in the bedroom as the damsel in distress? I'll leave that to you to conjure up the scenario.
I have to comment on KAW's post, because it hit a nerve with me. If he's right, then here's another similarity we share.
As Mr. Wonderful's masculinity has been an issue in C for quite some time, there is a corollary to that one. Not my femininity but that very issue KAW addressed: vulnerability.
I was assigned a horrid book to read, which devastated me (the author is a staunch anti-feminist and she suggested all sorts of lame things to act vulnerable). I won't give her credit here but I will say that a few issues really, really hit home with me.
You were not registered here when my BB buddy, Trish, slammed this one home for me--back in January. And I will tell you that she hit paydirt.
Let me fast forward to the book Hud had me read a month ago (Wild at Heart by John Eldgredge). The author pointedly says, "A man should NEVER come to a woman for strength--he comes to her to OFFER it."
If KAW is right, and I believe he is, there is nothing wrong with a strong woman--but there are times and places when vulnerability is entirely appropriate. This doesn't mean that you pretend you don't have a brain so he can look smarter than you...
What it DOES mean is that you allow him to comfort you and offer you strength when you need him. You allow him to see the side of you that hurts and needs TLC. You let him have access to the part of you that you keep hidden.
I'm here to tell you it's beyond difficult. I was taught to rely on myself and to keep myself together. We all have weaknesses, Slowly. Periodically, our spouse needs to see them.
A big hug to a friend across the pond.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked. ~ Bill Cosby
Journaling our weekend.
Positives + H came home early again on Friday. We had tea together, he wanted to chat about the most recent discussion with OW's H, and that since Wednesday, there has been contact of any kind. Hmmmm. Let's see how long this one lasts + We drove up to my mum's place, had a good visit with her over the weekend + Met a couple of old friends, caught up with their families, all very nice + Tried a bit of boundary setting on Sunday, seemed to have worked will post more details over at Central Perk
Negatives - Both of us are still nursing our ferocious colds, with hindsight we should have rested up instead of visiting, but honestly, we seemed to be on the mend so well. Looks like there is no escaping the antibiotics, my cold feels like a chest infection now. Acknowledging I need help, going to the doctor today - H still says he is 'not sure what to do' about moving on this really scares me, but zipping my mouth. No more 'suggestions'. He also mentioned yesterday that he did not know how to heal the breach of trust in our relationship.
More interesting times ahead. Here's to the next growth phase for us. Hugs, Slowly
Hi KAW It is so good to have your input this 'strong woman' thing is a subject that has me puzzled for a while
Quote: maybe what H is attracted to are some aspects of vulnerability? Whether it be wanting the oppurtunity to be the prince that saves the damsel in distress or just to know that you don't always have an ironclad grasp on everything you're dealing with. Could it be every so often, he might like to be in a position where he can swoop in and save the day for you?
Yes, I can see how this would appeal to the 'new' him but honestly, the man I first fell in love with had absolutely NO time for anything wishy-washy his all time favourite character was Ripley in Aliens . I agree with you that this may be what he wants now, and more than likely I missed the changes in his needs. But man, I'm so with Betsey, this is BEYOND DIFFICULT. I'm looking through Betsey's comments now
Quote: What it DOES mean is that you allow him to comfort you and offer you strength when you need him. You allow him to see the side of you that hurts and needs TLC. You let him have access to the part of you that you keep hidden.
Another case of changing the habits of a lifetime often I don't allow acknowledgement even to myself that something hurts, or that I may actually be struggling with a problem. Keeping a stiff upper lip has been an important characteristic in my family
Soo, on my updated goals will be 'identify opportunity every day to show H I need his help, or to invite him to comfort me' starting with today plan to ask him for ideas on a problem I'm having with our June flights, and yes, my normal approach would have been to solve it without 'bothering' him
I can see how this all ties in with patience, and letting go control. More heart work. My sacred journey
ps. KAW, We are still walking on egg shells around each other, so I think I'll leave the bedroom scenarios alone for a while
I'm honestly quite detached from this problem now. I've promised myself to revisit this in a month's time. 
Betsey 
Like you, though it is painful for me, I'd rather he has SOMEONE to talk to. I'll catch up with your story next week, sounds like I could pick up a few tips 
Have a peaceful weekend. Slowly 
