Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 5)

[Bo562]

Here's the thing Bo, she probably does believe what she's saying, or at least wants to believe it. She's in full-on WAS mode and looking for reasons to justify her behavior and desire to end things. She no doubt has an enabler or two or three (male or female or both) that are offering her tons of validation right now, so they are telling her what she wants to hear (oh poor you, you've suffered so long, you are doing the right thing). So that feeds into her worldview. All you can do is detach from her as much as possible and keep your L informed of what's going on.

It’s at least her IC, probably the MIL, and who knows who else.

Part of posting here is journaling for me—so I can hash out the thoughts to the L later.

She also mentioned that the problems in our relationship come from both of us—which is true, and straight out of DB. But all I’m hearing is how I’M THE PROBLEM, and her implication to me is that I need to get my shiz together.

Well there's a newsflash.

And I straight up asked her: So, you said you don’t want to be my wife, but then you said you want to go to marriage counseling?

Dangling the carrot out there again. When she says these things are you now seeing it for the manipulation it is?

Yup. Just the inconsistencies make no sense at all. “I don’t want to be your wife.” “I’ll go to marriage counseling if....”

Honestly, at this point, why do I want to be married to, or reconcile with, someone who’s just so f@cking bananas right now?

What was your response to this? Hopefully you see now it's only a tactic to her. She doesn't give a rip about trying to salvage the M, not right now.

I told her I would need to think about that one (tried to go classic DB).

Wow she really goes for it in these R talks. Threats, manipulation tactics, incentives, offering hope, crushing hope. It's amazing to me that she (and many other WAS's) are not willing to negotiate a single point. It's "my way or we go to court and battle it out".

Right. If she really wants out, why not negotiate her way out a little more?

What does that mean about "resolving things"? Does she mean she wants the D completed by then?

I mentioned earlier that to separate (for any length of time), she would have to start the divorce paperwork (this sounds so bass-awkwards, but then again it is Cali). What she wants to do is get the custody squared away (parenting plan / bird-nesting or whatever), and the start the paperwork in the courts, we lived separated, and then re-assess whether we follow-through with legal divorce later (guessing September is about when she wants to re-assess). She’d be gone for 3-ish months by then, so she’d want to figure it out by then. I mean, we’d already be separated by then—it’s just that she’d be 3000 miles away for 3 additional months. Why not more separation? (I know, I know: unless she wants to GGW it up or A it up while she’s in training).

How so? Sounds to me like status quo. Nothing gained nothing lost over the previous similar talk. If you maintained your cool throughout then chalk it up as a success.

At least it felt like a big failure initially. I should have just walked away from her when she started emotionally wailing on me—between that and her rehashing the past, I feel like such a putz. Believe it or not, I’m not as emotionally worked up as I thought I would be. I’m considering whether or not I even want to still be involved with someone who is like this.

I’m seeing her statements / inconsistencies as part of the WAS fog.

I also didn’t escalate, which is huge for me, and a big contrast over prior dynamics. She wants responses but isn’t totally getting them, but she blames me for that anyway (you always, you never...)