I Was a Jerk (Part 1)

[SteveLW]

My suggestion would be just to start DBing. 180 on your bad behavior, yes. But also GAL. And detach! As MoveFrwd said, most marital breakdowns are the result of bad behavior on both Ss part. And that means that adultery is a SYMPTOM of that and not the cause.

Both people are unhappy. Someone of the opposite sex takes an interest in one of them. It is new and exciting. It makes them forget how bad their marriage is. At first they just try to keep it as a friendship, but as they share intimate details of each other's lives the attraction gets stronger, until they move to some shows of affections. Long, lingering, whole body hugs. Maybe a peck hello and goodbye on the lips. But it continues to escalate until the anticipation builds and they decide to cross the line into a full blown affair.

Notice the first step. Both people are unhappy. For context you should look up "Ways to affair proof your marriage". It is very helpful to look back and see the mistakes you made leading up to this point. Lack of connection. Stopping going on dates. Etc. The point is that we often laser focus on the affair, when if we try to fix the marriage itself, sometime the affair just goes away.

Even if your S is in an active affair, DBing is your path forward. It may save your marriage. It may not. But it will save you.