My general opinion is that most marriages are caused by some breakdown which is attributable to both parties. Nobody is perfect and everybody is adding some type of contamination to the relationship. I dont feel like it is a good spot to put yourself in to judge who is worse or what action is more or less contaminating. I think it's a much better place to own and repair your own attributes and fight for what you believe is fair.

This is from your first post.
Originally Posted by Gekko
I withdrew emotionally and physically in the process. I am Alpha and went overboard with it, crossing the line and being a jerk, feeling that I was in a power struggle for who was top dog in the M. I also was conditioned to receive criticism constantly, so when I came home from work I was just waiting for the first strike to come my way from W, and was ready for a fight. After awhile, I began to hear criticism in many benign statements from W, where "did you wipe the table down" sounded like "why haven't you wiped the table down yet?" I would get defensive in those moments as well.

So my understanding based on your most recent post is that if your W is having an affair, whatever that is trumps all else. That your morality of "not screwing other people over" goes out the window because she has hurt you? It feels very "eye for an eye" and I dont see that as a 180 for you. I dont see that as a way of being empathetic or collaborative.

I am not suggesting that what she may be doing is right. or fair. or compassionate. or anything like that. I am not condoning her (theoretical) actions. What Im saying is that it is a symptom of all of the underlying issues that you both have presented to the relationship. I think your focus is better placed on you and what you need to do going forward.

But that said, I think it may not be worst idea to gather 'intel' just to know what you are dealing with smile Theres no sense in considering how to repair a relationship that has 3 people in it.