There was a lot of thought put into your post, I liked it. Well done.
Good for you figuring out what you want - what you would like. I do agree with the idea to speak with your Dad about early inheritance money. I am probably going to harp about this till your sick about it - speak to L about this. If your Dad agrees, be careful when, how, and where you save and use these funds. In certain situations they would become marital assets, meaning your H would get half of that inheritance. It is safest to only get funds after everything is settled. Ensure you talk to L before doing anything. (Maybe I should bold face that) lol
I am glad you are thinking about what you are willing to fight for. It’s good that you see a possible advantage in striking if the iron is still hot. I’m not sure it still is, but you will find out in time. Again, negotiating a settlement would be better than a big fight, talk to L about your wishes.
Custody is looking like it is going to be an issue. Let your L deal with it. Let her find the best deal for you.
Good for you seeing that you need to make a deal juicy enough for him to want to give up something. I know you really want a more bearable custody arrangement. Your proposal looks reasonable and thought out. I am sure your L will have some good advice.
During W and my negotiating my L told me (and her) to itemize some of the funds differently - not just a lump sum payment, even though that is what it was. Some was identified as in lieu of a car for example. He knew from experience and how the courts are currently ruling that agreements without each party retaining a car or funds identified to purchase a car would be scrutinized further and delay things and may even be rejected. That is exactly the reasons we pay for a lawyer and listen to them.
As for a psychiatric evaluations of both parents. I looked into this with my L during my separation. First, there need to be a really good and concrete reason to do this, and doctors would need to be involved long before then. Second, the really good reason is not - he’s is crazy, or what it actually is - irrational. (More on this in just a bit). Third, the only psychiatric reason that would halt this - is insanity. Insane people cannot sign legal documents, cannot sign separation agreements, cannot sign waivers, divorce, etc... They would be quickly entitled to half of everything and no negotiating. This is not what you want.
Now irrational people can legally make decisions that are not in their best interests. They can go against advice from their lawyer. All people are allowed to be angry, “crazy”, emotional, unstable, whatever - and they still have legal rights. They can have firearms, drive, marry, have custody, divorce, etc... Some advice don’t use the word “crazy” or “nuts” around L, in fact do not even bring up his mental health. You are not a psychiatrist and he has not been evaluated, and it has no bearing on any of the proceedings. So just let it go and deal with the business at hand. This is one of those “you need to accept what you can’t change times” - the courts do not need or want to hear about H’s emotions (or your’s).
I am going to second job’s advice. You H is irrational and you cannot reason with an irrational person. Take everything to your lawyer and let her do all negotiating and talking to H or his L. You need to stay clear of it, H is blaming you, any thing you bring forward will be looked at unkindly and most likely dismissed (remember he is driven to do that, to push away from you).
Gerda, you know I care about you, as do a lot of others around here. Some of the advice may sound a bit harsh to you - right now. In time, you will see it is exactly what you need to hear.
You are at the cusp of clarity. Rip off the veil of denial and let go. Peace and freedom is waiting for you.
I love the idea of you keeping your house, running your business, and all that. That is what you want. During all this settlement keep your eyes open. You have to get what you need, and it might come to letting go of some of your wants. Time will tell. Just be open to whatever your lawyer is telling you.
I would like to point something out - you are not speaking about fear. You are also not speaking in a depressing manner. This situation is all happening right now, and you are in the moment - not in fear. Well done!
Let that fear lay on the floor and do not pick it up. Your last post demonstrated you intellectually detaching the emotion from the concern, and just like that, no fear. Keep it up, it takes practice, then becomes habit, then becomes behaviour.
Stay strong. You’ve can do this.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
