First, regarding telling the kids, she wants to tell them right away. I asked her what she was planning to say, and W said 'that we have decided to D, that we love them, etc etc." I said we have not decided anything, You decided. I won't lie or try to mislead them. W replied that we should not be blaming each other or talking poorly about each other, its not good for the kids and if forced she would explain that I treated her badly, that I was mean to her, and that she has been very unhappy. I agreed that we should not give the kids specifics, but said I will not lead them to believe this is my decision and that I want this. I told her she can say "we are getting D" as a factual statement, but not that we have decided to. I also told her this is one of the most important conversations we will have with the kids and I want her to write it down first so I can see it and edit it. We don't read from a script, but put it in writing so we can see how it sounds.
Regarding my treatment of her, I validated and expressed that I understand what I was doing, and the reasons behind it. W said she was not innocent and I asked how so. W said that "apparently" she has been a raging beeatch to me for years. I probably should have ratified that with a facial expression and a shrug and ended it there, but instead I said "that wasn't a very convincing admission". W then asked for an explanation of her behavior from my perspective. I recapped what I told her many years ago - that she has a nasty mean streak and criticized me relentlessly, that I asked her to get counseling and she didn't, that I asked her to talk to her family about this part of her personality with the hope she would listen to them when they told her yes, you can be horrible, but she never talked to anyone, and I told her I grew to be miserable, withdrew from her and developed some real ahole behavior as a defense mechanism. But that I realized now my response was not helpful to the M.
W said that my bad behavior pre-dated the time when I say she started her major criticism of me, which puts us pre-M. I asked why did you marry me? W said she didn't know. I took all this as WAW script but maybe I'm wrong. W then asked me if I thought the M could be salvaged, and I said I don't know. W said she does not believe it can be salvaged and doesn't understand why I don't feel the same way. I said that while I have tried to get things back on track, I could have done more, but that she wasn't trying at all. I said I don't know what the outcome would be if we both really tried. W acknowledged she has not been trying, that she believes I should have done the work over the past several years. That is where I let the convo die.
It was a very very calm discussion on both sides, almost clinical and matter-of-fact. I am expecting some 2x4's for getting into R talk but the W initiated and I responded. I didn't feel in the moment that I was saying too much, it was a pretty simple explanation of my view and just regurgitated convo's from long ago. I think W knows she has some issues but does not appreciate their extent and her impact on the people closest to her. I had and have no designs on trying to blame her to her face, but she seemed to want my take so I gave it to her as clinically and concisely as possible. I suppose the alternative is to deflect, but that didn't feel like the right play.
Anyway, looks like we will be telling the kids sometime over the next few weeks, I will keep the board posted.
