I have been very much down on our relationship since last night. I got upset that she answered a question from the OM via text. THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER RESPONSE. He asked a question about a document he needed for his child. She was factual in her response, and immediately sent me a screen shot of the conversation.
I over reacted because my mind spiralled, and it caught her at a bad time when she did not feel like being patient. I spent the evening doing damage control. It is so frustrating not being able to trust her, but I also appreciate her honesty about the situation. She is trying to gain my trust and I can see that.
Blu, was there any one thing or event that let you know your XH was trustworthy? We are too early into this for me to trust completely but I also don't want to continue pushing my XW away with my lack of trust. I know I have to act As-If in this situation until I can trust instinctively rather than reactively.
We have been good, for the most part. We had an awesome weekend. I hate that it was overshadowed by my lack of trust yesterday.
My IC told me I have to trust her until she gives me a reason NOT to trust her again. I'm finding it hard to put that advice into practice.
This is hard. I don't really like what your IC said TBH. She HAS already given you a reason not to trust her in the past, so it's not as if you are waiting for her to give you another reason. I think more so, you are being cautious because now you know what she is capable of. Some of that is even subconscious.There are emotional triggers that come up, similar to a PTSD response, and you can't just turn them off. I am sure communicating with OM would trigger that. I had those triggers for a long time. I think it's reasonable that she end all communication with him and block him. Even if her interactions with him are not meaningful to her, they are affecting you.
To answer your question, no, there was not one thing or one event that happened so that I knew he was trustworthy. When my H left XOW, I could feel a giant shift in his behavior and communication. He wanted to end it with her and he wanted me to know that, including having no contact and providing transparency with devices, etc. I also could just tell intuitively that he was so relieved to be out of that situation and engaging with me again. I didn't worry that he would reach out to her or even want her back. My obstacle was less about trust and more about acceptance/forgiveness of what had already happened. He has proved he is trustworthy with consistent actions over time. I also now know that he or anyone can change at any time, but that I cannot control him/them!
I know there are differences between us, but in my sitch, my H was 100% wayward and had not had the urge to ever end the M or file for D, he was more running to some temporary fix and the only person left that was there to support him. He always knew it was wrong, and so in some ways that helped me trust him. I very much saw the problem to be their A and the fallout of that, because our other issues were/are manageable if we work on them.
Oddly, I haven't had many issues with trusting him. When he came back, I told him that I would never completely trust him, or any man really, and that I was changed now. I still mean that. I think I was naive that something like that could just never happen to me. So while I have trusted him since he has been back, I also know not to ever fully trust anyone, myself included. Not sure if that makes sense. If my H now did/or said things that raised eyebrows or made me question him, I would handle it very differently. I would let him know clearly what I will and won't tolerate, and if he was unable to provide that, I would distance myself and reevaluate. That's all I really can do. Trust means different things for different people, but ultimately we just have to be comfortable with what we decide feels right for us.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
