Maybe I should not respond to what seems an obvious question a LBS would need to answer. I've not been in your shoes or experienced betrayal from my spouse. Trust was one of the most cherished things my H and I shared, and I betrayed his trust in me. I remember asking him if he thought he would ever be able to trust me again. I'll never forget his answer, "Yes, b/c I have to. It's the only way I can live with you". In other words, he was saying that is who he is, and how he has to operate, if he's going to be in a MR with me.
Vanilla believes that one cannot "earn" trust. I think she even referred to it being abusive to require one to earn back your trust. She refers to the term, "atone"........which, is probably more accurate.
The decision to trust is completely up to you. I think it's easier if you can see that the betrayer is trying to make amends. I think of what some former, hard line......and hard nose, veterans use to say. "Trust and verify" was their motto when taking back the betrayer. They were very much into transparency methods.
IMHO, it's up to the one who has suffered the betrayal as to when they can begin to feel safe again. If the WS is being secretive and not cooperating by being transparent and showing some type of effort that they want you to feel safe in trusting them........then I suggest you guard your feelings. Maybe they can't earn your trust, but with good behavior, transparency, setting a new & improved record....and with time.......I would think it might be easier to trust in them again.
If you struggle with trusting her right now, don't beat yourself up. Why should you feel pressured into trusting her? Any former WS who acts insulted, angry, arrogant, resentful, or shows stubborn pride, when you aren't able to fully trust them..........has not accomplished some of the work that needs done on their heart, IMHO. If your WS has done the work on the heart, then I believe you will see a more humble side of them. They will be more concerned about you feeling safe, and they will want to prove to you that don't have hidden agendas or compromising boundaries. They won't have a bad attitude when you want to look at their phone activity. They won't complain about you intruding their privacy, etc., b/c they are genuine in their work in recovering from their wayward past. The fact your XW explained away OM's text as no big deal, suggests she is ignorant that she's playing with fire, or that she doesn't understand or care about the emotional triggers it causes.
There is no time limit, and no hurry about you trusting again. If she has not recovered and is holding on to old resentments and rebelliousness, it's going to show eventually. She should have blocked OM from contacting her. But let me add that she's not the one on the board getting the tools. Although you may expect her to have enough sense to know what she should do.......it doesn't make it so. Know what I mean? We are here supporting and trying to educate one another......but maybe she has not reached out to get informed on what she needs to do to recover and repair.
Anyway.......those are just some of my thoughts about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
