Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Gerda]

DnJ, you are a steadfast friend these days, checking on me so much. THANK YOU.

I am meeting a friend tomorrow to try to draft an idea.

i have realized that what Gerda wants, no matter if H ever comes back or doesn't, is to keep her house and run it as a business alone, but to finally be able to do what she wants with it. I spoke to my dad last night to just tell him all that is going on and plant the seed so that I could ask him in the next couple of days what he is willing to give me out of inheritance so that I can do it. He liked what I said about my future though he is obsessed with getting my H to go to a men's workshop that he leads where you slay the demons of the pain of your youth, etc. Yeah, that's real.

I have been thinking a lot about all you said about what I am willing to fight for. I guess what I don't know is how risky it is to fight, what will the court be likely to do, in other words. Do I use the court to protect me or do everything possible to use any money I spend to end this quickly?

His offer was joint legal, which I don't want because he is CRAZY and three afternoons a week plus Sundays. And then when school year ends, he wanted to add to that every other weekend, including the time I go to church with them, plus every Sunday on the other weekends. But the kicker was that this schedule would only start when I sold the house or paid him out. There is no known entity for where he would live or for the fact that I planned to live on the pretty island for a month or that the kids have camp and friends and other things they are doing. No mention of child support. Also he has a job four nights a week for three hours, the one that requires the car. So clearly he is assuming that when he gets his money, he will no longer work and that's how he could do this schedule.

I want to reiterate that he spends at present perhaps 10 minutes a day with D if we are here at the same time he is, and on average no minutes with S. D wants to hang out with him but usually if I leave them alone and go upstairs, when I come back down, she is alone watching TV and he is listening to lectures and eating or drinking wine. He can go days without seeing S because S stays upstairs a lot and H won't come upstairs. So this parenting plan is a bit of a joke, thinking that the kids will suddenly want to spend that much time with him, let alone sleep at his house.

I was going to say no, we need a parenting plan for now, and then I could use if he doesn't show up, etc. I have been advised by friends with crazy spouses and divorces to do that.

But I have been thinking about what I learned here about striking while iron is hot. I think I should try to make a deal fast, but it will include him moving out now and me paying him money each month (by renting out part of our apartment) to ensure he can get a place, for him to start the parenting plan now and to reduce it to 2 afternoons a week and every other weekend, days only, and then when he has a place, the children will be allowed to decide if they want the weekend to include a sleepover or if it's just the days. And I was going to offer that he can sleep over here every other weekend on that Saturday night. I know that sounds insane but it's better for the kids than having to sleep over in the house of MLCer.

And then it would include a formula for calculating his buy-out and give me six months to work it out. But I realize that I might need to give him a big wad of cash sooner to make him say yes.

And that would be based on potential sale, not on actual sale --

Appraisal price of house and rental cabin (house is also a rental biz but we live upstairs)
minus Capital Gains Tax minus City Transfer Tax (this would be like 40K) - Broker’s Fee

So then --

NET GAIN FROM SALE of house and car = TOTAL FROM ASSET SALES

Minus LIABILITIES as per Statement of Net Worth

So -- TOTAL OF ASSETS – LIABILITIES = something and his share is Half of this total.

From that total, minus Child Support based on income of 30,000 per year for S13 from Age 12 to 18 –- Child Support for D9 from Age 8 – 18 (yes, including some for years past because that's fair since I have kept this ship afloat for six years alone) minus Small Contribution to Education Costs from now until children are 18 -- Small Contribution to Medical Costs from now until children are 18.

What do you think? I figured if he balks I could remove the last two items.

I want to make it juicy enough for him to want to do it now but still protect my kids to the max. But I would rather lose a lot of money than miss my chance for a bearable custody arrangement so what do you all think?

Can you believe Gerda has come to this?

For anyone out there reading this -- I am not bitter yet. I forgive my H and pray for him everyday. (i have not found a way to forgive the godfather of kids who is paying for his D and loaning him money against sale of our house, and I have not forgiven OW. I hope I will be able to do one day.) But I have realized from everyone here and from prayer and living my life that I have to give my H to God, and so I have to be willing to go through this fire to release him. And that God has a plan for me, too, one way or the other.

OH and my last question -- Do you think I should say that if we proceed through court, we will be getting psychiatric evaluations of both parents? Do you think it will be clear that he is nuts or might he be able to hide it?