My thing is that I felt free WITH my H... anything I've ever not done during the time we've been together is still squarely on my shoulders and him not being around doesn't really hold the key to motivating me to do those things. It's things like energy or money or time (which you could say I have more OR less of, depending how you look at it). So I know that it's the perfect time to really look at myself and push past any excuses I've made in the past, but I always come back to the fact that it's a huge drag that I don't have my H to share anything with. I really 100% feel like he knew me better than anyone, even my family because I'm not very close with most of my family. We spent a lot of time just being around each other over almost 10 years.
Tough love time!
You're making excuses for not being motivated to do something new. I am an expert in this area in my own life.
Of course our S didn't control us - we weren't in abusive Rs. Of course it's all on us. You felt free, but we all make decisions considering what our significant other might think. It's natural. So what are you doing to do now that you don't need to "check" with anyone? You get to do something solely for yourself. Don't be sad about this!
Yeah, it's a drag to not have anyone to share your new exciting things with. Share them here. Text someone. I got new glasses yesterday and immediately text everyone because I look adorable I would have asked W's opinion on the frames before purchasing before - most of us would have, I think. Such a tiny decision I made alone, and I really think these glasses reflect "me" very strongly.
You're focusing on your fears a lot, and I'm afraid it will start to paralyze you as you continue in your grief. I want you to get into some new habits before the fear-habits take over. Retrain your brain - don't let the sadness or regret take over with the path of least resistance.
Energy and time are resources you can work on. Money is tough, I'll acknowledge. So find ways to increase your energy. Cut back on any alcohol. Drink a ton of water. Eat very consciously, sleep. Keep a routine. Then take your energy and put it into an activity that had an excuse.
All of your feelings of fear or sadness are valid. I just want to see a splash of hope in your everyday life. The recent trip seemed to help, but I want you to grab something new now that you're back to normal life.
I would have asked W's opinion on the frames before purchasing before - most of us would have, I think. Such a tiny decision I made alone, and I really think these glasses reflect "me" very strongly. 