Story and Symptoms of a WAW/MLC

[sandi2]

Hi Robert, I join Cadet in welcoming you to the DB community. I'm sorry you and your W are experiencing this crossroads in your MR. I see no reason why the M can't be saved, but IMHO it will take a lot of effort. When we marry a person with traits or habits that do not blend with our own, it can become a slow eating cancer to the MR if we don't find a solution. Your W has decided to make some big changes in her body and her life. She's unhappy, and she's trying to find the source of that unhappiness. It's trying to figure it out, and IDK, but her IC may be encouraging her to find herself and do whatever it takes to be happy. Let's hope it doesn't include dumping her marriage. If she is already having dreams of living as a single mom, then this in-house separation may be the first step in that direction. However, directions can change.

Each of you have personal issues that probably require a professional's assistance. You stated that the past eight months have been increasingly difficult for her. How long has she been seeing this particular IC?

Since the untidy house seems to be a point of contention, could you hire someone to come in weekly to clean? I don't mean a professional service, b/c they are expensive, but an individual who will do basic cleaning, laundry, putting things away, etc. This could be worth the expense in order to take this area of pressure and irritation off the relationship.

Okay, let's talk about some other things you have shared in your post. My H has ADD and our children inherited it, and one of our grandchildren has it very bad. I say this to let you know that as the spouse who doesn't have ADD, I know how very frustrating it can be. I try to be empathetic, but at times it really wears me down if it doesn't appear that the individual is trying to help themselves. Anyway, I encourage you to please see a doctor about adult ADD. You may need other testing to see why your moods are up & down. This is another health issue that, untreated, can cause wear & tear on a MR.

Because of my hard political standpoint over the last four years, that is one of the many reasons most of our conversations have shut down.

Well, don't shoot me, but seems to me that this would be one of the more easier thorns to pull out. Some people hate politics......period. If you tend to bring politics into your conversations......it will drive the other person away if they don't share your enthusiasm or opinions. It's kind of like religion. If you and your spouse are not on the same page, then leave it alone. You chose to marry someone with different views or who didn't want to hear about politics every day, so just let it go. Find a friend or a group who enjoys discussing it. but don't bring into your home. If that doesn't work for you, then a MC may have to help you and your spouse learn how to live together with your differences.

If you married a woman who does not have the same values as you, then that could be a problem that needs the help of MC to resolve. You said the both of you had attended MC, so I assume it did not help. How long did you go, and did you try more than one counselor?

Once your W has her surgery, she may change more than just her weight. It happens to some women. Since your W has experienced being thinner at times, maybe it won't cause her to act like girls gone wild or anything. Hopefully, it will be very positive for her and she can pursue the career she desires. Sometimes the problems come when their self esteem has been so low and then they suddenly get a lot of positive attention on their weight loss. As you probably already know, dissatisfaction with her appearance, especially when weight is affecting one's health, ........plus dissatisfaction with her area of work.......plus not getting emotional needs met at home........can cause feelings of fight or flight. So far, she seems to be taking steps toward a flight process. As much as you may want to talk her out of it.......talk isn't very effective at this point. Trying to talk her into changing her mind, is not giving her the "space" she wants. It's not just physical space, but she wants to feel free of any pressure she's felt from you.

Just curious, which of you first suggested separate rooms? May I ask about your sex life before her weight gain, and afterwards? Has it decreased since the birth of the child?

I think you can make significant changes in yourself that could possibly give the MR a face lift.......if your W changes her mind about living as a single. More importantly, you can make positive changes that will benefit your quality of life. The first ingredient that is essential is your "willingness". You will need a plan of action. List the things about yourself you are serious about changing. Set some realistic goals and the steps you will need to take in accomplishing these goals. The key ingredient that will determine success is to adhere to the plan of action. Sounds simple enough, but it's not so easy for everyone.

Here's one of the first things we learn in DBing. There is only one person you can control. That's Robert. You are the man of the home, and your position requires leadership and other qualities we may discuss later. Obviously, your W is thinking about walking away, and that will be a big stumbling block. Unless other information is presented to indicate she has her eyes on another man, I am not going to recommend you go too extreme with LRT. For now, giving her space by not smothering her with your presence; not initiating frequent contacts throughout the day, complaining about the house and her messes; and no politics. Just back off with any type of emotional pressure from you.

You can follow the 37 rules, but for right now, don't get too extreme. For example, one of the rules is don't initiate contact throughout the day, and some folks fail to see the word "initiate" and go completely no contact at all. In some cases where there is infidelity, that's fine......but in your sitch, let's start with just not initiating unnecessary text messages. Like, don't check with her throughout the day just to see how she is.......you know, that type of thing. Don't find some silly excuse to text her.

Another rule some people go to extremes, is the one about not initiating conversations. This was really meant for LBS's who are big talkers and try to hold their spouse's attention by pulling them into long conversations. It doesn't mean you cannot speak to your spouse. And if she is trying to talk with you, then cooperate. As long as she's being polite, the return the same manners. You can give her space without being rude. You don't have to give her the cold shoulder or silent treatment. Just don't crowd her. Don't put any emotional pressure on her. And the most difficult for LBH's is don't pursue her. Don't try to manipulate her actions. Don't be telling her what she should do, or how she feels. A wife hates for the H to tell her how she feels! If you have any questions about the 37 rules, please don't hesitate to ask.

As I continue to say, my advice may change as your sitch changes or you share further information. IMHO, the "Dare" book may conflict or confuse what you read on the board. It encourages a lot of pursuing activities to win back the spouse who wants out. So, I recommend putting it on a shelf for now. I am not familiar with the other book. I have seen several people get very confused when they are reading a lot of books on relationships. Don't expect these authors to agree on which approach to use on your particular M problem. If you feel DB has the appropriate methods, then stick with those principles and leave some of those other marriage fixing books alone........at least for now.

I look forward to reading your posts.