Story and Symptoms of a WAW/MLC

[IHCLACS]

Hello DB. Allow me to introduce myself and my situation which resembles Scott31 situation very closely.

I'm going to apologize in advance if my situation is very long-winded. I just wanted to appropriately summarize what I'm dealing with, and reach out for help or advice on how to apply proper responses to the current situation is very appreciated.

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and our 10th anniversary will be in August.

She's a wonderful girl with a very giving, considerate and thoughtful heart. Almost somewhat of a people pleaser. Since we both met 12 years ago, we have both have had some insecurities and personal goals of our own that we have struggled with. For years, especially in the last 8 months, the financial pressures, child rearing and full time jobs have gotten to her. We are currently moving torwards an in-house separation and she seems very set on her space, becoming a single parent, working on herself with an IC marriage counselor. She tells me that she hasn't decided on divorce, but some of her words and actions prove otherwise by her online search criteria, and her pushing me away, and saying certain things which I will elaborate later.  First I will start off with our individual issues from past to present.

Her issues being her identity linking to her self esteem and her weight. She has struggled with this whole entire life fluctuating up and down with results and discipline in maintaining such, since she is an emotional eater. She has successfully lost a lot of weight on two occasions one for our wedding and two for her 30th birthday. We are now 38 and 37. Currently she has gained a significant amount of weight lately to the point where she's not happy with herself, her physical appearance and ability, her life and her purpose, as well as our marriage.

She has taken the necessary steps and education throughout the years to become a health coach and is practically an expert on nutrition, but fails to apply it in her own life, and around her. She is very good about writing thoughts and goals out, but hasn't followed through with any of them. She is currently a behavioral specialist in the public school sector, and has been miserable doing it for years, and has somewhat resented the fact that she's had to do it to provide financial stability for the both of us since she makes more than I do. ( I will get into that later.) She feels no fulfillment in her job any longer and has been this way for years, but has stayed with it out of practicality for financial reasons. She has had ambitions to become a children's story book writer, is currently seeking a health coach position, despite her currently being overweight. She is scheduled to do gastric bypass surgery in the next month to force her to eat properly, and to get her on track with her "new life." Even though I wasn't as supportive and encouraging as I should have been in the past, I'm trying to be very supportive of all her life choices now regardless of outcome. Even with her weight, I have always found her physically and spiritually attractive because i love her and always will, and still to this day can't explain why. There were a few moments in our lives where my father, and my friend expressed concern about her weight and her health,  and I told this to her,  and she took it as them calling her fat ass. Even though we butt heads with communication, perception, and different values and thinking.  My problem is I don't have a filter and I'm working on that. I come from the family that is brutally honest and open a lot of discussions that most people wouldn't typically have.

My issues with my life is I do have some codependency and abandonment issues that I have recognized since I've had 4 girlfriends leave me before marrying my wife. My first relationship, I was left for another man. I have frequently spoken of all these relationships within my marriage for the last 12 years. I have always had an obsession with bettering my relationships and learning more about myself and relationships with women in general from a very young age. However once I got into my relationship with my wife 12 years ago, I became complacent and apathetic in learning more about relationships, their dynamics, and executing and demonstrating true leadership as a man and a husband emotionally, financially, etc... I'm sure over the years I let her down with being involved in her life, being considerate, and being empathetic. We have always done our own thing inside the marriage and the home, since we got married, when we were not going out on adventures, social engagements, and excursions together. Because of my hard political standpoint over the last four years, that is one of the many reasons most of our conversations have shut down. She is also always occupied and buried in reality TV, TV shows social media and games on her phone. I admit I was addicted to my phone as well always reading politics and Facebook constantly. Even though she was fine with it or so she says I have also kicked the porn habit for the first time in 25 years. I have put that down, as well as other politically related involvements since she decided to move forward with seperation. I just need to quit smoking.

I realized in hindsight that I neglected to be emotionally support of my wife, return her thoughts considerations sometimes on certain occasions such as Anniversaries and Christmas due to financial reasons, have been critical of her for the past couple of years because of her actions around the household chores. I am always cleaning up the kitchen after her. Her stuff is all over the house as well as mine.  At least I admit that I have to do something about it, and I'm always trying to keep up after it. I could be quite a tyrant about it. But she's fine with the way it is she never changes it on her end. She also sees a differently as if she's doing all the work and I'm not doing any of it at times. When I step it up, ask questions and stay on top she notices and us greatful. Agaun perception changes from one day to the next. Sometimes speaking in absolute negatives, about me and my involvement in the marriage the house in the family.  which is not entirely true but a matter of perception. We have always struggled with keeping things tidy for quite some years, especially now with a 1 year old and with her bearing a child and IVF in the last year or two She feels that I have been lazy at times, and I've been somewhat verbally and emotionally abusive and negative in the past torwards her I understand I have not demonstrated leadership qualities that a man should as far as always struggling with the finances and following through with the completion of my project that have gone on for years. I can understand why she thinks I am emotionally hot and cold. Because of all the struggles of life, I've allowed the perception of myself to be very continually frustrated when I don't get or see the results for myself and other people. I understand now when she says she wants to be off the emotional rollercoaster. I'm just okay with time management in the workplace and still struggle with paying attention from time to time, but I'm horrible with it managing the house because she would fill up her social schedule so many to doc's, always expect my involvement, and always attempt to making me feel bad on the few occasions that i declined a few social functions a few times a year to get things done around the home, but of course they will rewrite history in their own minds.  I take responsibility for my lack of follow-through and I'm working on fixing it,  and not blaming her social schedule for it.  But she never makes time for chores and when she does she does for 20 minutes to an hour, and then she said she feels like she's doing all the work in the home.  I have mistakenly and repeatedly said to her over the years I love you but I don't know if I can live with you. I'm now regrettably sorry I ever said those things. I struggle with similar symptoms to ADHD, memory, concentration and follow through. After years of her pushing me, I am now considering medication to see if it helps. She has also pushed me in the past to quit smoking and better myself in my careers financially, and or find my purpose of what I love doing, which I have gotten better but have also failed, due to a lack of vision, commitment, and discipline.

We have both sought individual therapy in the past for our own personal issues, but not until recently for marital issues.  I was also brought up in a family that was very codependent, and although loving and well meaning, lacked vision and ficus as well as teaching it. They somewhat encouraging, but not as encouraging as they should be, and throughout the years of family structure fell apart especially with the death of my father 7 years ago. There are always nothing but problems within my rooted family, and lack of responsibility, including within myself, but am I have a better understanding of such then most of them. They have all had Independence issues and relationship issues, all my brothers as of current including myself. However the one thing I've always wanted to get handle in my life, is my frustrations on emotional swings on how I react to things and people around me. Because I come from a conflict family, I'm always used to hashing it out and dealing with conflict which is no big deal to me. My wife's family on the other hand avoid conflicts regularly. So that may explain a lot right there. My father was a good man, the very driven type, not loving by his words, but loving by his actions. But yet verbally abrasive and wasn't very emotionally supportive. I received that from my mother. He was a marine and a construction worker and was also very controlling of my mother but my mother allowed it because she loved him, and always realize that his jealousy and persistence was always for her.  He barely allowed her to let her have her friends when she was in her 50s,  because he felt like he lost his best friend. So I guess you could say that I come from the school of tough love but I'm also a sensitive person which explains my mood swings and frustrations, also being exacerbated from my anxieties of life.  I'm learning more everyday not to play the victim, attempt to keep a positive attitude (at least in front of my wife)  and take control of what I want in my life and for my life.
I have gotten into a bad habit of frequently exposing my toxic negative irritate emotionally out if control side to my wife too frequently. Maybe I didn't realize it until just now that my mood swings are quite apparent where I'm extremely happy one day extremely down the next due to circumstances. However I'm not bipolar and I probably just suffer from general anxiety. I have been tested twice memory comprehension and other psychological evaluations. There is a learning impairment that is not clearly defined.

I have recognized a lot of my failures of leadership as a husband and I have tried to be humble and aware of such, but what annoys me to no end is how she has failed to take responsibility for her own unhappiness and short comings. She never names them other than her weight, but I can see them clearly. Being that I am a sensitive person, all my life my circumstances have affected my moods.

I've had a lot of moments negativity and self-serving prophecies which eventually I snap out of but I guess it was too much for her to tolerate. However when I do see a problem I try identify the issue, and solve it the best I can. But as far as perspectives about solving problems between the two of us our perceptions and realities are very different, especially now. From communication perspectives, to parenting to politics to where we both want to live after we sell our home. It changes for her by the month. 1 months is telling me she wants to sell the house and buy an RV and travel across the country, the next month she's telling me she wants to live in South Jersey, then she goes looking into Pennsylvania after I had already considered it several months ago and she wasn't for it. Now she's looking to visit Iowa.  She wants to get rid of the house because she can't take the financial pressure anymore which I don't blame her. But the way I see it is the reason why we're under such Financial pressure is because of all the debt she contunues to incur. That's partially my fault for only giving her what she needs every month and not taking the financial responsibilities on my shoulders to make sure that we don't sink. I'm sure in her mind what's made matters worse is that I've changed careers a few times over the last 12 years and I generally gravitate towards construction and sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down as far as income.  That and having a new child and all the other stressors to life has taken a toll on me as reflecting and projecting onto her. I know I have been overly critical of her when it comes to certain house duties, and I did not handle it properly because I didn't know better until now.

I actually took the initiative to read a book that she bought for herself. It gave me some excellent insight to how I was reacting to her for a long time. She stated she is been feeling this way since this last June and started to tell me about our plans for separating and needing her space since September.  She feels as though she's always walking on eggshells with me.

Since then I've been very proactive and reading a lot of different materials and subscribing to different schools of thought including , as well as DB and several others. I have read DB, and DR. I'm starting to understand a lot of the concepts but still I have yet to apply them properly. I still cannot help but feel that miscommunications and different perceptions have screwed up our marriage. I wish we can both get into counseling together so we can work on those communication issues, how to respond to them and how to handle them. I realize are all teachable skills, that most married couples today don't learn. But right now it's preferable for individual counsel.  She offered joint counseling back in October but I refused. Now that I am willing she isn't

I'm having trouble on with which methods still apply and when and how to correctly apply them because I'm subscribed to two different schools of thought. One being DB and Sandi's rules, and the other, the Manly Marriage Revival. Given that we all have personal circumstances I'm having a difficult time striking a balance between discipline for myself and love with handling her current mindset of separating

Here are some of the things sometimes I don't know if I'm technically pursuing and if it's having a good impact or bad one.

When someone is cordial and friendly with you, but doesn't go out of their way anymore. Its hard to judge. Every time I've said I love you she's always said I love you in return. I've reached for her hand, and she has always accommodated it.  She's currently receptive to me kissing her on the cheek but not the lips. One time after the no kissing on the lips rule, she did kiss me on the lips for something nice I did for her family after Christmas.  I've asked her for clear definitions of space and boundariessoo I know how to respond to her. She hasn't gotten back to me yet on that. Sometimes when I hug her its reluctant and other times it's welcoming.  But I have been seeing is that the more that I pull away the more than she pulls away.  But because we are both up and down every day, it's hard for me to gauge real responses.

I stopped calling her babe as of recently, which I initiated now we referring to each other as first name.  I took the initiative to move into the guest room and she felt that it was kind of awkward initially.  I told her that if she wanted her space that I was going to give it to her and I'm not going to sleep in the same bed with her.  That because of her position, she has effecively fired me as her husband, so I am taking initiative to give her her space, and back off, but i havent been constant with it. Because when I pull away, she pulls away too. Either way, I am in the friend zone. Her actions are just as inconsistent as mine are. Since we have grown apart over the last couple years, and I have been oblivious to her needs until now, I really can't tell if me backing off is more of the same behaviors to her, or if using the LRT or the using the 180 is having detrimental affects. Divorce busting teaches letting go.  But Manly Marriage revival teaches husbandly leadership of letting go, but still prioritizing your spouses needs over your own, but not suplicating or pursuing, but leading them. I am also on The Love Dare too.

Its a lot of ego vs. heart for me with these principles and Sandi's 37 rules. All this knowledge, and my situation is consuming me, and it's not healthy, but i want to maximize my effectiveness and practice while i still have time. I am familiar with the WAW. She is currently exhibiting all the symptoms.

I really need to GAL and start doing things for myself while continually learning abouy DB and how it works into my current relationship. I have been meditating and praying. I'm going to IC this weekend. I'm also looking for a few support groups.

Here's some Recon of behavior she's exhibiting on the last couple of months There are some negatives as well as some postives. It appears as though she is creating a new and ambitious life for herself without me.



Searches for divorce related articles, regardinh big changes and inspiration for new and purposeful lives after divorce.

Said reconciliation may not look the way I expect when and if she does decide.

Says she is numb, needs to find herself, needs her space, feels snubbed out with nothing left to give as a people pleaser. Is unhappy with the entire marriage and dating before such. Questions compatibility.

Looks into property and rentals all around the country.

Repeatedly cries when hugged, or turns away, reluctant. But also is sometimes receptive to hugs and touching. Has told me not to read into it on occasion. But is currently receptive to me initiating hugs, and greetings if kisses on cheek

Stated doesn't want to hurt me but does sympathise. (Guilt of decision)

Any relationship discussions of conflict makes her feel like she's walking on eggshells. All conflictual disscissions before this made her feel the same way.

Mentioned being a Single Mom about traveling across country. Wants to see new places.

Is receptive about telling me about her dreams and desires.

Does have friendly cordial conversation because she is a polite person, but does not go out of her way as of lately. Keeps texts and conversations short unless I initiate.

Is starting to feel that our new (friend zone.) Dynamic is working better for her.

Notices some of my behavioral and conversational changes as of recently.

Does like my support with her personal life decisions, and still asks me for opinions.

Says when I live in the basement, come up twice a month and have dinner with family. Other than the shared area of the kitchen.

Wants to paint or finish painting some of the house since we haven't done it since we moved in 7 years ago. I've only done two or three room so far. She is welcoming change.

I stopped sleeping next to her when she told me she's no longer romantically interested in me even though she said "it's your bed too" I took the first initiative of moving into the guest room after that. 180'd To give her a sense of what space really feels like.

Expresses concern for my life on a daily basis but not in a romantic way any more.

Says she will always love me and I will always be in her life because of our son.

Has said things to me like I hope I find the chemistry and the compatibility that I am looking for in another woman. Has stated that while we are separated she will not continue to date anyone that wants to be single for a while, and then states that I can date other people, but not bring them in the house. I told her I was committed to this marriage, and her response was that I have to work and focus on myself as well, and I might feel differently and I myself may even want to leave in the future. I told her I have moral and spiritual obligations against divorcing. That I will never divorce even though that is not within my control. At least without trying to figure out what's going on, allowing for space to heal, and making a last collaborative effort torwards therapy together.

Thank you towards anyone who will listen and advise how to proceed, and if I indeed have a WAW or a MLC?