Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Rita]

DnJ, Dejavu, Paxluv, thank you so much for checking in on me and posting. I don't know if I ever got a post from Dejavu and Pax before, and that fact plus what you said made me think, Wow, I guess this really is over the top to elicit these responses. I mean, if I have impressed the actual LBS's of actual MLC'ers with my MLC'er, it must be really over the top. I always assume we all have the same basic thing happening to us. Also because I have in the past posted other insane e-mails he sent, so I thought it was getting a little boring.

DnJ, stop trying to outdo yourself with posts that are even more helpful than the one before. It's very late so I am going to think about everything tomorrow but I have read your post already twice and it hit home a lot, as usual. (Also did you notice that we often post at the same time?)

It's 1:30 am and I just got back from the nightly walk my son takes with me. I always tell him it's too late and then I always go because it's always amazing and he opens up so much on those walks. Today his therapist, aka, The S13 Whisperer (thank you, Lord, for sending the perfect therapist finally for my lost boy!), told me that S was talking about how his feelings didn't matter in the scheme of the universe, didn't matter if no one understood him, and therapist was trying to show him that they did and said, "Well, who does understand you?" And my son looked at him and said, "Well, you. And my mom."

When he told me that I started to cry. More that he said it about the therapist than me.

Just before that I was working on my custody proposal in the waiting room and got a call from the broker from the deal I am trying to make about some huge roadblock, then hung up and got a call from S13's school that they were going to kick him out. This is what I mean, that something's gotta give, it's just an endless barrage. I had 140 e-mails in my inbox today, literally, and I have whittled it down now to 118.

So goodnight, more thoughts tomorrow, DnJ and all you other friends out in MLC Land.

Actually first one little story -- in my sorrow, a bit of light. This morning I was on the train taking S to school (I have to take him there or he won't go) and this homeless guy came on and started asking for money, said he had AIDS and told his story and kept mentioning prayer. So when he sat down by me, I said, "I can't give you any money, but here is a prayer card," and I gave him one that I had in my bag. And he said immediately, "Will you pray with me now?" The train was very crowded and people were looking curiously over but pretending not to look. I knew what God wanted so I immediately said, "Yes, of course," and I kneeled by him and took his gloved hand though I really didn't want to and started praying. This woman sitting next to him got up and told me to sit there so I did and kept praying. I wasn't thinking about anyone but him and was praying very softly using his name, etc. And then when I finished we just sat there and I said a few things to him. And then this young woman sitting on the other side took off her headphones and leaned over and sort of gushed, "You are a beautiful person!" I was totally shocked, I didn't think anyone was listening or noticing, and I said, "No, no, I am horrible, I just love God," and she just beamed at me and kept repeating it and then put on her headphones and we kept going. When we got off the train, S13 was humiliated, kept saying how could you be so disgusting, touching that gross guy's hands, you're so weird, etc. So I had to sit alone on the next train with S13 hiding under his hoodie at the other end, far away from anyone knowing he could be with me, and think about the two reactions and hope that one day S would remember it with love. (On the walk we talked about it and I think he began to understand.) It's just so interesting how the same situation can be seen in so many ways by different people. Case in point, my H and me, looking at our marriage and our life.

So thank you to all of you for helping me see clearly. LOVE TO ALL.