TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Bo - the things I was thinking potentially affecting your W include depression, especially if you say a lot of her behavior happened after baby. May be other elements intertwined with that too and she is projecting on you.

Joe, thanks for the continued encouragement. I like the convincing and determined tone you always have. I'm definitely getting to that point of being like, "K let's drop the rope" and then I get two inches away from it and pick it back up. Or I'm turning my back to it but still keeping a toe on it, you know.

Getting things done does help. Keeping busy is a good tactic for me although sometimes I struggle with whether what I'm doing actually has meaning/usefulness or if it's just a temporary distraction. Not that the latter is all that bad... but I guess what I've been reflecting on is that a lot of people say to do things you wouldn't normally have done being "locked down" to your spouse or whatever. That we are now "free" to do whatever.

My thing is that I felt free WITH my H... anything I've ever not done during the time we've been together is still squarely on my shoulders and him not being around doesn't really hold the key to motivating me to do those things. It's things like energy or money or time (which you could say I have more OR less of, depending how you look at it). So I know that it's the perfect time to really look at myself and push past any excuses I've made in the past, but I always come back to the fact that it's a huge drag that I don't have my H to share anything with. I really 100% feel like he knew me better than anyone, even my family because I'm not very close with most of my family. We spent a lot of time just being around each other over almost 10 years.

So one of my gigantic fears now in life is that I will never find anyone again who simply understands/knows me fully. And I know in any case that if/when it is possible, I won't like that painstaking process of getting there; having to start over and someone learn my favorite color and pizza toppings and beers and how I react emotionally to the various scenarios we all encounter in life, etc. So frustrating, not to mention time wasting if you get halfway down the path before you realize you're not totally into that person, which then cycles me back to the pain of how something so incredibly valuable to me had seemingly no future value for H. No big deal, he just found another person mid-life and is now fulfilled.

I know, we all figure that won't last forever and all that. Of course I just have these visions of them loving everything about each other and thinking they are each others' soul mates. I do try to counter that by thinking of mundane things that surely they argue about occasionally. You know every couple has that first big fight... I want theirs to happen, but then for them to realize they each do a certain thing the other absolutely hates and doesn't want to put up with!

I was driving today (after going to the Dr. for feeling so crappy, and reflecting on being alone while sick) and thinking about how everyone says that grief never really goes away, it just starts to live deeper and deeper down within you or something like that. I got really upset about that, knowing that no matter how far past this I get, I will probably always, always remember this pain, and in all honesty always resent that this happened to me - unless we end up working through it together to create a freakin' bulletproof M 2.0, or something else groundbreakingly awesome happens to me besides H.