Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

It looks like we posted this morning at the same time. I never even seen your post until tonight, along with the one with H’s letter.

Goodness gracious that man can string together the obscure parts of the English lexicon. (That’s the best I could do right now ). Seriously, I am pretty skilled at active listening and/or reading; half way through his letter I’m looking for a fast forward button and have shut off my mind to protect it from the numbing barrage of verbosity. (Oh, that was better).

I read what he wrote, three times actually, all I have is a unilateral-preemptive (Type-A) headache! Man oh man what a jabber box.

Gerda the sooner you get out from under this yoke, the better. This man has some big time issues and you are the women in his cross hairs. The most compassionate thing to do for him would be to allow him the chance to heal. It is also the best thing for you and your kids. Give him all the space and time he is demanding. He feels he needs to get away from you. Let him.

I know that hurts, I truly do. That is the single most compassionate loving thing you can do for him. Nothing you can do is going to fix him or wake him up - only himself. Let him be. You, look after Gerda and her children.

I haven't spoken to my dad yet, but my only option would be if he is willing to dig into the money i would inherit one day, a very uncomfortable conversation. He is 91 so it's not totally absurd but it's awkward and he does not like to part with money.

This is not an uncommon arrangement. It is only an uncomfortable conversation, until you have it. In my case I did get an advance on my inheritance to help out. Parents, no matter their age still would like to help their children. I have an agreement that I can repay them back over time, if I wished to, or am able to. Otherwise it just comes off when the estate is shared between my and my sister.

You should explore this avenue before seeking alternative sources (other loans) of income.

And this is all assuming he will take money in order to end this quickly and will give up on the kids.

Big assumption, however not beyound the scope of a real possibility. Just look at what my W did. Keep negotiating and see how eager he is to end things. He may want his money rather quickly and will settle in your favour for a speedy end or a little more cash.

But maybe that's what you mean,DnJ. How far am I willing to go?

This is a difficult question. To quantify one’s willingness. There are so many factors.

Custody is, from what I’ve read, you biggest concern and fear. You and H had kids. Each of you has rights to your children, hence the 50/50 scenario I spoke about. From what you have said H is already weaponizing the children, so it looks pretty obvious this is a big point to him, whether it is also a bargaining point remains to be seen.

From this point on only use your L for negotiating, unless she says otherwise. I am figuring you would like more than 50/50 and there is a lot that can be offered, however H still has to want it. And with that in mind if an idea comes from you, his first instinct will be to reject it. Let the “ideas” come from the lawyers (in his view). The best is if he thinks he came up with the idea. I hope you understand what I am getting at.

The other part of how far are you willing to go - is reasonableness. I really hope H gives in and you get custody, but if he digs in, is it reasonable for you to go to trial. How far will you go, and is it reasonable? These are things you need to discuss with L, and keep an open mind too. You can see how things get cloudy very quickly, that is why it is best if things can get settled in an agreement between the two of you.

It's funny how you said, "now you know how far H is willing to go." Because I still don't. I still keep thinking that something will wake him up. And for me the hardest part is that he thinks what he is doing is righteous and in God's will, and that every move I make shows what a controlling horrible person I am. He has convinced others of this to the point that they are paying for his D lawyer. There is something about that that destroys my confidence. I can't figure it out but somehow in the face of his perversion of reality, I can't feel confident in what I know to be true about this. I can't even figure out how to phrase it to him -- e.g., "H, what you are choosing is... I have to choose...." I don't even know how to fill that sentence in.

And underneath it all, to keep feeling that I am standing for this marriage. I don't understand how I am supposed to play this horrible game and still feel in my heart that I am standing, they are two opposites. I need to reread all the old posts you and Gordie and Job have written on this topic to me. But maybe now it's a little different.

...you said, "now you know how far H is willing to go." Because I still don't.

Gerda, you are in denial. (((Hugs)))

You know what he is willing to do. He is ripping apart your marriage and family. I know you would work to fix whatever the problems are between you. That’s the thing. The problems are not between you, and not your’s to fix. Read exactly what you wrote, in his mind he is fully justified in his position - righteous and in God’s will.

You know. Make your way out of denial.

As for standing and understanding how to play this horrible game. It does seem opposite, at first. I am hoping by now some of what I wrote is allowing you to see a bit clearer. I really mean it, this is the most compassionate and loving thing you can do for him and yourself.

His journey is all about him. You can’t help him.

Your journey is all about you. You can help you.

Standing is not based on any of this horrible game, on this ugly and necessary step in his path. Standing is for you. Stepping down is for you. Neither is for H. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense at this moment, be patient it will. Right now you have to focus on you and kids, and get through this part. You can think about how this affects standing after, for now your standing and doing what you need to do.

Gerda, I am glad to offer what help I can. Let us know what offers he makes (if you would like too). There are a lot of caring people here with good viewpoints that can give some really good advice.

Take an Advil, ignore evil H, and get a good night sleep.

DnJ