A familiar story with questions NINE

[SteveLW]

The important distinction in a covert contract is that it is based on the assumption that the other party will inherently know and understand the terms of the unsaid contract. So an example of that would be: "I'll clean the house and my W will be so impressed that she will want to have sex with me tonight." You feel like you don't need to say what the terms are, because she will inherently know that if you clean the house you deserve to be rewarded with sex

Exactly!

So then when she doesn't want to have sex you get upset, because you feel she's not meeting her end of the bargain. So you pout and mope and then explode over something completely unrelated, like she leaves a dirty towel on the floor. You let anger and resentment build over it.

IMO, this is the result of said covert contract and a different issue. Although a typical result.

CONTRACT=agreement.
COVERT=not openly acknowledged or displayed.

This is distinctly different than saying "I'm going to give it a year and then pursue D myself if nothing changes" because in this case you are not assuming that things will change, and you are not doing something as a "favor" for her expecting something in return.

It's not necessary to involve a "favor". A favor is something that is done without expectation.
Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but my understanding is that "He was going to give HER a year...". I may be wrong. If for argument's sake he was to give IT a year, IT meaning the marriage or sitch, then I agree it is not a covert contract.
The difference being that in the first scenario, W would be required "to perform" as part of the secret agreement.

I hope this helps someone.

Relationships are complicated. Communication is key. If you expect someone to keep their end of an agreement it is best that they know what the agreement is. Getting but hurt because they didn't keep their end of a deal, on a deal that they are unaware of is Relationship Abuse. IMO

Eh RR. The difference is still in that I am not expecting anything from her, just giving her some time to try to get her stuff together. I had my timeline for ME, and then backed off, gave her space, let her go and let her work through what she needed to work through. It is no different than if you've ever had a job and it there problems and you said "I will give it until next spring, and if it is still bad I will find another job."

The biggest difference is in whether I am trying to manipulate and control (cover contract), or if I am just sitting back, letting things unfold and then determining my OWN course of action. I was guilty of covert contracts all through our marriage leading up to BD. I do not consider my timeline on how long I would wait for her as part of that.