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Spoke to H last night and he updated me that OW's H called him to confirm that A was over. It was quite depressing as H was chatting about how OW's H was amazed that in such a short time my H was able to gain so much trust from OW, how OW continues to maintain that my H will be the love of her life forever etc. The fact that H found it necessary to tell me about this is curious. I almost get the sense that he is trying to justify why it is taking so long to wrap up?Hmmm. Maybe. Or maybe he wants to show you how GOOD he is at dealing with someone else's emotions. Was part of the draw to OW your H's need to rescue a damsel? What do you think your H got from being able to GIVE her understanding that she could not get from her H?

I also think that part of my problem is how H and OW's H have been having discussions about OW and her needs, her amazing strength in holding on, her priorities etc . I guess the child in me is feeling left out. Bruised pride may have a lot to do with the current angst So understandable. Maybe there can be a way to DB here. Maybe you can find the small tiny moments that your H DOES address your needs and really make him feel like the hero there. I'll bet it is easier for him to address OW's wounds because HE DOESN'T FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR CAUSING THEM! He may feel too guilty and inadequate in addressing yours.

I sometimes feel that with dbing, much of my underlying hurt and anger has been put on the shelf away from daily life. It may be that now some of the 'risk' to R is abating, emotions that have been left aside are demanding attention. I think this is also extremely common for the DB'ers and it really has been brough home for me in the threads I have read where spouses return, etc. We really have put our hearts into boxes and shelved our needs in addressing ours. No solution offered...just recognition of the pain you feel. Sending you hugs and healing.




Slowly,
You are traveling your path well and are example to us all. I do believe that there is a way to have our spouses give us what we need and what they give so freely to others. Look for the small signs and small ways in which he begins to take care of you and then PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE him.

You are so good at taking care of all of us...I'll bet you do that with everyone in your surroundings. He may need some encouragement that he can do that well for you.

Just a thought.

mayafool
Maya's thread