But now it's just her, something sets her off and she spews hate and insults and when I try to speak calmly it's like trying to reason with a wall.
Admittedly, I have not been in a lengthy in-house separation, nor was I ever separated with this level of hostility/animation. A couple thoughts I had while reading this.
- Assuming you cannot change her, what could you do differently so as not to repeat the same patterns. Repeating the same broken record "Im not going to speak with you if you are being hateful" doesnt seem to be getting you anywhere. And I imagine that hearing the same thing over and over is probably going to be irritating for her and may be making her reaction worse. My opinion is that the status quo isnt working for you. And it doesnt sound like it is working for her. So what can you do to try to 'shake it up'? .
- I wonder how much you are 'listening' and how much you are trying to 'reason' with her. Rather than closing the door on her or running away, maybe it could be beneficial to try saying something like 'I can hear you are upset. Im happy to listen to you for a bit." or "I can tell something is bothering you. I dont have time right now, but Id be happy to sit down with you later tonight (or whatever) to talk about it. But Im busy for now." Doesnt mean that you are agreeing with what she has to say or that youre necessarily defending yourself. But rather just listening and possibly validating (I can tell thats bothering you. I can see why that might be frustrating for you. etc)
