After a few days of still being in same house she said your gonna have to get out so i can have the time and space i need to find myself. She claimed that she didnt have a identity anymore. She started seing a therapist the week before i left. This happened sometime in november. I have been gone 6 weeks and i'm currently 800+ miles away from her...
You shouldn't have left the house, you should have said "I'm not going anywhere, but if you feel you need time and space bad enough to leave then I will respect your wishes and will not try to stop you." Why? Because usually when a wife walks it's because she has lost respect for her H. And when he caves in on all her demands to try to placate her, it just makes it worse because then she REALLY doesn't respect him. But you did move out, so that's water under the bridge. Can I ask why you are 800 miles away though? You mentioned you had no friends there, but did you not have a job? Seems odd to pick up and move THAT far away. It does have an upside, makes it easier to detach when you rarely see her.
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She almost let me come home 3 different times then changed her mind and said she couldnt handle it . She told me since i have been gone she " thinks she is done with the marriage " then it got to the point of I love you but im not in love with you anymore .
This is all typical. Read DR and read Sandi's rules. One is not to believe anything she says, because right now there's a storm in her head and nothing believable or substantial will come out of that storm.
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Next, I heard I dont think I ever loved you. That one hurt the worst.
She's in a fog. Right now she believes that's true, but it's not and some day she will come out of the fog and remember more clearly.
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Going from trying to have a child together to kicking me out of the house in that short of time is just so odd to me.
Definitely strange, but we've had similar stories here.
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Her therapist has told her things like " if you arent invested in saving your marriage then theres no point in trying, or going to marriage therapy " it would just be a waste of time she said.
Yes this too is pretty typical. Most IC's are really just divorce facilitators. They will just listen and validate. If they hear someone say they want out then they will just mirror that back.
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When she calls all we ever talk about is just what shes been up to, shopping usually lol, her work , etc. We never talk about the relationship whatsoever.
That's actually great, keep that up.
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She has told me multiple times right after i left " i dont think you can be the husband i need you to be or want you to be" and also I cant be myself around you.
Just listen and validate. "I hear you saying you don't see us staying married, I'm sure this is very difficult for you and I appreciate you sharing your feelings." Validation isn't AGREEING, it's just acknowledging.
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I know I know not to show her or tell her im reading it but man there are some great things I have read so far that Michele talks about that she is doing/feeling that I wish she could read.
Sure there are, but the problem is she will not listen to ANYTHING you say. So don't even try. Believe me, almost all of us went down that road. Send them articles, books, blurbs out of books, things a counselor said, ANYTHING to try and get them to "wake up". It never, ever works. She is on a journey that she must make, you cannot speed her journey but you can slow it down.
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So what is the reason a spouse who wants out cant read this book ?
If you're playing poker and show everyone your hand before the betting starts then you will never, ever win. Same thing, if she knows you read a book and are doing things from the book then everything you do she will see as "tricks to get her back". They need to seem genuine, and they need to be genuine. But she will never believe it if she knows about the book.
