Still Lost pt3

[lost8]

Thank you for the response Sandi.

In general my Ws venting has been about what she has done wrong. She has apologized continuously and has shown extreme disappointment in herself about what she has done to me with A. Although no details have been mentioned she acknowledges that it will have to come up just isn't ready. She wants me to see her IC at some point with her. I told her we are not there yet but agreed. I agree talking with the bartender was an ego boost and I thought helped me realize that moving on is possible with out W if it works out that way. I have also been staying in touch with old male friends that has helped with my sitch.

We haven't discussed NC with OM or A like I said but her opening up has been more and more of her realizing the hurt she has done to me...def not just I'm sorrys at this point.

I know drinking is a problem and haven't addressed yet but she is having surgery at the end of the month that will put her out of commission for 10 days so maybe that will be a turning point for her but we'll see.

As far as distancing a bit, this month is shaping up well for that, I am headed to Vegas for 4 days for a wedding then when I get back W is leaving for LA for 4 days for work then home for 2 days then back on travel for a few more days. We will def be apart in the next few weeks with less days together.

My W is going through depression right now for sure and is addressing that in IC and is taking meds for it. I am making sure to still keep my distance and not diving in emotionally although I will admit physically am failing as we have had that connection which I know is probably not good but she is 100% the initiator.

I am still in amazement of the 180 that she has done....for now, but I am sure there are a lot of factors and probably not just pure remorse. When she was working out of the house she left everyday looking sharp and said it was so much easier to just go out or do things after work socially. Now working from home she said she doesn't want to just meet up for HHs with friends, or go out even on the weekends. She "says" she just can't wait for me to come home and wants to spend her time with me. She has even more freedom now if she wanted to run around and see OM, etc but hasn't. She has been available to take care of S14 more now and is doing things around the house that she wasn't doing before.

My eyes are wide open and I am have been less available to communicate during the day, I don't jump right in her lap when I am home, I am still following my workout routine and have had a few GAL activities during the week but admit they have not been full evening events.

[lost8]

Hey Adam, yes I am very used to the ups and downs of the emotions and I am very much better now with not getting mine involved. I can comfortably watch as she rides the rollercoster and pick my moments to jump in.

Hope all is well with you and feel free to jump in here to ask me anything as I can honestly say I have seen it all with the A, mood swings, legal issues, etc.

[Adam04]

Hey lost,

hope all is well with you too. As for me, laying low. Been reading a lot of posts. My routine has been the same, work out late, get home late, eat, be with the kids, get on here, read, shower, sleep, work, repeat. I'm reading a lot of the older posts now, getting more familiar with things. It's a juggling act, but I can say I am in a muuuuch better place emotionally.

I am finding myself sleeping later, I need to work on that...but I am sleeping better. I am having better days at work now. I have fleeting thoughts of the W but nothing debilitating where I can't function. I am in better spirits around people. In the last month alone, its been a huge self transformation. I am really embracing that my life is not defined by her, my worth is not measured by her. Still a long way to go, taking it day by day and enjoying it. I look forward to the weekends and start thinking what can I do for myself this weekend. A buddy from work that works out with me wants to show me this Filipino buffet restaurant this weekend. He swears its the best food.

Good to hear of your sitch with W. Take it slow, I'd still be very cautious and go by the cant believe anything they say and only half of what they do. Have fun at the wedding.

[Adam04]

lost,

Thanks for posting on my sitch. I'm glad you had fun, wow only guy? sounds like a crazy good time... although the last few times I've gone, they were with the W on previous anniversaries a long while back. It is what it is, nawmean? I remember I had an Elvis impersonator who sat next to me on the plane. Man what a fun time that was and being able to randomly strike up the conversation. Talked to the guy the whole trip there, almost got his number from what I remember because I was thinking this guy should know how to get around & party. I miss my old self. I remember another time W, who was GF then, and I sat next to a pretty girl, and we all just had a good time talking. Young with so much excitement in life. I still want that, but I don't know what happened in the years that came.

You're right, I'm journaling less, but I'm still here reading sooo much and spending time doing other things. Bouncing free time between kids and reading a couple of books out at the park or a restaurant.

I'm still here, reading and lurking some days.

[Adam04]

How are you? Checking to see how you have been and how is GAL? Hope you are well.

I need to get some sleep. was promising to sleep by 10:30 and here it is 1am. need to wake in 4 hours.

I went out this weekend to my friends place. Took my S10 to play with his D10. We're best friends from childhood so it was nice to see our kids play. Hung out no W talk.

For Christmas, I'm not going over to W family and I am going over to my brother's with my siblings. I'm taking the kids and W is not invited. Told her today I was taking them Christmas night for dinner. We plan to have a bonfire for the kids and make smores and hotdogs(along with the traditional XMAS meal)

Hope you and your W are making the best of the sitch that each of you can. We all deserve to be happy in our own right, whatever that looks like. Hope you have a happy holidays.

[lost8]

Hello all....been a while for me but looking for advice.

Things have been better since W started working at home, def see a desire to move in a direction closer to me. The GG wild activities have stopped but most certain still texts OM.

W has shown a lot of emotion about what she has done and intentions to get her life back, ILYs, intimacy, normalcy even when sober, etc. I have been extremely cautious and have not put my wall down nor have I engaged when things don't look right.

I have noticed her texting to a name that totally makes no sens and last night saw texts, only because I was sitting right nest to her that said "we just have different lives and different goals, babe", from her and response was "why, call me"

It almost seemed like she is declining requests to continue what they had and that she had moved on from the level that they had. I did react and asked to see phone and she declined in anger as I could have easily checked contact number and known who it was regardless of the name on that contact which was a female name. She stormed off to her room and I went to mine and 15 minutes later she called me and texted then showed up in my room to ask what happened.

I said I couldn't trust her and I knew who she was talking to, but that was it. No big arguments, etc. I used to feel a gut punch after sitches like this but not this time, my detachment in my mind has worked...because she can go for all I care.

I just wanted some advice, maybe the A is fizzleing down to this point and she does want to move forward with possible progress but there has not been any true transperancy. I don't plan on pursuing this sitch that happened last night and am pulling back but did I over react?

[SoTorn]

Lost if she is still in contact with OM there is no R. Keep up the DB.

[SteveLW]

lost8, 2x4 time. You said: "my detachment in my mind has worked" Wrong. Detachment means you wouldn't care who she was texting. What she said to them. And you certainly wouldn't have confronted her about it.

I know it is hard. I know especially when things look like they are moving in the right direction you think she should have given this up entirely. These things are rarely that clean and easy.

DBing is about giving her space and letting her figure her stuff out. It feels like that is what she is doing. Confronting her on this was a setback. DBing is about patience and self-control.

[lost8]

Thanks Steve, that is what I was thinking too. Things had moved forward and by no means did I think R was taking place. The detachment part was me thinking that the who didn't even bother me....it was the what and the deception then the lie.

Actually had IC this morning and she said the same. I do see the setback and will have to see how things go from here.

Do you suggest I engage about what happened?

[SteveLW]

NO! Just move forward. We guys are fixers but there is no fixing that. If she brings it up, listen and validate.

Look, you didn't do anything wrong. In a normal MR a H being interested in who is texting his W what is not something to apologize for. So don't apologize. Just resolve to do better from this point forward.