Married 12 years together for 17 . wife is 34 yrs old, im 36.
Have had some issued in the past but i thought everything was giong great these past 3 or 4 years. Out of nowhere she says i need some space and time to find myself. Obviously this hit me very hard. We were making plans to move cross country together , start business together etc. After a few days of still being in same house she said your gonna have to get out so i can have the time and space i need to find myself. She claimed that she didnt have a identity anymore. She started seing a therapist the week before i left. This happened sometime in november. I have been gone 6 weeks and i'm currently 800+ miles away from her... So we missed xmas together, new years, and our dogs 15th bday since i been gone . She almost let me come home 3 different times then changed her mind and said she couldnt handle it . She told me since i have been gone she " thinks she is done with the marriage " then it got to the point of I love you but im not in love with you anymore . Next, I heard I dont think I ever loved you. That one hurt the worst. Obviously I dont believe that she really feels that way. There are a lot of factors. We have never been able to get pregnant and it has always been extremely hard on her. I didnt show her enough empathy when we werent able to now that i reflect back. I have been through all the messages we sent to eachother and she would say that now that i look back. She would also say a lot " you dont appreciate me " So she was fianlly able to get on clomid in august of 18. She was on it aug sept oct. We were still not able to get pregnant and she had a dr apt november 6th. I have the texts of her telling me the dr said she thought it was me and i needed to get tested again to see what my counts were. She said in the texts we need to get you tested and see what our next steps are. We can try iui, and maybe ivf next. she said " i want at least one kid together " we have talked abou this etc etc . Then a week later she stopped talking to me for 3 days straight then thats when she told me she needed some time and space. She didnt know what was real or fake with her feelings. So part of me thinks all this is just a mlc, but i have no way of knowing that for sure. Going from trying to have a child together to kicking me out of the house in that short of time is just so odd to me.
The first few weeks I was gone she called me almost daily. Lots of contact and of course before i left and during these few weeks i was begging for another chance pleeding, etc. Push behavoirs . I have since stopped those and I haven't braught anything up in weeks and weeks . She would call and say she was lonely and stuff but wouldnt ask me to come home. If I braught it up shed say I Cant handle that. I dont know how that would work. A few times I did no contact and she would call balling asking me if i hated her. That she was sorry for doing this and she didnt want to hurt me. She wanted to continue to talk and didn't want to stop talking all together. I have since started therapy myself in the state i am currently in although i have only been 1 time so far. Her therapist has told her things like " if you arent invested in saving your marriage then theres no point in trying, or going to marriage therapy " it would just be a waste of time she said. I tried to get her to go before i left and she said no I have no interest at this time. I want to go alone for now. Contact has since slowed way down but she text me just yesterday saying " hey, just checking in " Im not sure what that means. She contacts me 99% of the time . I hardly ever send her msg or call her. I think 2 times in 6 weeks I have initiated contact. When she calls all we ever talk about is just what shes been up to, shopping usually lol, her work , etc. We never talk about the relationship whatsoever.
We were best friends hung out 24/7. We had a blog together about fitness and health and wellness. Used to work out together everyday at gym. I lost over 90 lbs and she lost 40 over 2 years and are in the best shape of our lives. We go hiking together, go out on date nights to eat all the time. I know over the years she felt that i controlled her cause she didnt have hardly any friends and didnt do anything outside of our marriage. We only hang out with eachother thats it. We live in Colorado moved there 4 years ago and we seriously had 0 friends in 4 years. Thats why I am currently in another state. I have no family or friends there to stay with. She doesnt either.
She has told me multiple times right after i left " i dont think you can be the husband i need you to be or want you to be" and also I cant be myself around you.
That is my current state , I went and picked up Divorce Remedy yesterday and I am currently reading it. I know I know not to show her or tell her im reading it but man there are some great things I have read so far that Michele talks about that she is doing/feeling that I wish she could read. I just read something good a litte bit ago that i liked.
" There are improtant morals of the two stories you just ready . The first you can focus on whats missing in your life and be miserable and make everythone around you miserale; or you can focus on what you have and feel pleased and help everyone around you feel good about themselves and about you. Second, even if your spouse isnt doing exactly what you had hoped for, dont withould praise and positive feedback. When you encourage small steps along the way your spouse will see you as an ally rather then a enemy and be much more likely to want to please you. With any luck , s/he might eventually get it right.
She has said many times " something is missing something is missing " so i wish she could sure read that , along with may other points michele points out in the book about waw and divorce etc etc. Michele even uses words like if your the spouse that is wanting out , i know you wont agree with this statement etc. So what is the reason a spouse who wants out cant read this book ?
