Slowly,

I guess I'm ready to jump into this pool. I've touched on this a little here on the BB, but most of my issues surrounding this near PA have been very private. At least up until now.

Let's start with the background. OM is someone who was one of my best friends in elementary and JHS. We fought like brother and sister but the reality is that we loved each other deeply. He is 1 of 6 kids and I was really good friends with his older sister. People used to tease us about getting married. We went our separate ways when I went to public high school and he continued in Catholic school. I distinctly remember our parting as awful. He was really angry and I personalized it. I found out much later that he was despondent over the thought of not seeing me again.

We had a brief meeting in college--he was attending a military academy and showed up at my predominantly all female college for a party. Needless to say, he expressed a real interest in me. I was still hurt by his actions 4 years earlier and told him to F*** Off. My mother and best friend were aghast.

Flash forward to 2 years ago. I registered for an online alumni registry, which includes primary education. I saw his name on the list and paid the extra money to send him an e-mail. I apologized for being a B!tch and he wrote back.

We reconnected again, to my happiness. I live in Colorado, far from my childhood home (DC) and it was nice to be friends again with someone who had known me forever.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... I had a sullen and withdrawn husband. A man who was actively seeking solitude, away from me and the girls. A man who was miserable in his job, but spent a lot of time there. I couldn't remember the last time he had told me I looked nice or was a nice friend. The words between us were filled with resentment and anger. As my friendship with OM was blossoming, my R with Mr. W. was deteriorating.

I knew we were headed for big trouble on our trip to SF for my 40th birthday. We headed back to the place where we met and married, and I was hoping to have some positive images conjure themselves to help him want to bring back some magic. His friends all asked me if he was okay...

By then, OM was coming out here for visits. Actually, he and Mr. W. have far more in common than they do differences. They hit it off... Mr. W. later told me, "He can tell you the things you want to hear, because I don't want to. I'm numb."

Let me tell you that OM, while not completely innocent, was not looking for me to break my vows or to end my M. But he was a friend, Slowly. He valued my friendship, he acted as if I was important, he told me I was beautiful, he told me that I was a great mother to my girls (he wished he had a mother like me--his mom and Joan Crawford have much in common) and he thought I was funny.

He was everything to me that Mr. Wonderful used to be. And I was getting more depressed by the day. Not only because it had been a void in my life for some time, but because no matter what I seemed to do, Mr. W. acted like he really didn't give a damn.

When our EA nearly turned PA, I broke down. I told Mr. W. who comforted me and told me he didn't blame me for seeking out someone else. Yet he continued to act indifferent. When I took my trip to Seattle the following month, intent on justifying leaving him, I figured out that I needed to fix myself rather than run away. I had been in IC for 2 months, but was withholding some really important information from my C. I decided to come clean, which is when the real healing began.

This also coincides with Mr. Wonderful's DUI and his coming clean. He couldn't tell the difference between numbness and indifference, so he chose to label how he felt (or didn't feel in this case) as indifference and stated that he no longer loved me.

Looking back, I can visualize a very numb and hurt man. I caused some of those injuries, Slowly. However, I didn't break him. He let himself break. And he chose not to fix the things that needed attention.

I can tell you that OM was horrified to watch how things fell apart. He was supportive and a friend. And he felt guilty as sin. On our last convo, I told him that he was not the guilty party: I was. I had allowed myself to feel for someone else--someone who was not my H and therefore the feelings very inappropriate. I apologized for hurting him so badly, for having to end our friendship, but I told him that there was no way I could figure this stuff out with him still in the picture.

He understood and has kept his promise to not contact me. My friends still see him out and about (he lives less than a mile from my parents) and report that he feels something missing by not being friends with me. I DO feel the same way. However, it's not in the capacity of a lover but a really good friend. AND I value my integrity and faithfulness enough to know that this is a deal breaker for Mr. Wonderful. I'm not resentful at all.

But it HAD to be on my terms--not Mr. W's, not my C, not my parents or friends. Mine alone.

Randy, I was getting appreciation, validation and kindness. I was receiving lots of words of affirmation and expressions of caring. All things that we all need from our spouses. I know it was wrong, but I'm only human--with needs, wants and faults. I accept them, but I will not allow myself to wallow in guilt or remorse.

I'm sorry for having taken that path, but I am not sorry for standing up for myself and sharing that I want these things from a man. Preferably from my H, but if he doesn't want the job, someone else will. Eventually.

Does this help? I was motivated to have the discussion with him when I was ready to confront my own demons and how I got where I did. Not a minute before then.

My suggestion for those of you who are on the other end of this coin is to show love for yourselves and empathy toward the straying spouse. What were you withholding that made them feel a void? Maybe nothing. Maybe your spouses are defective people who love the thrill of the chase? Or who were depressed and not likely to get sympathy at home? We're all different, so there isn't a cookie cutter approach to this problem.

But I believe that the majority of people really don't want to be unfaithful. They want their spouses to give them what they want and need. If this were easy enough, the spouses would realize that and avoid this trap. But it looks like many of us have fallen into it. I'm no different than anyone else.

UGH.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein