H is revealed to you. You see him clearly. You have an idea of what he might be willing to do.
Originally Posted by Gerda
No one seemed to care that he doesn't work or help me, none of that seems to matter unless you go to trial, it's all about trying to work out a settlement to avoid trial...
From my experience that is very true.
Right now you and H are working towards a settlement. An out of the court room settlement. As I learned almost anything goes in these arrangements - really. Expect for a few, very few by the way, rights for kids - everything else is negotiable and can even be waived (remember my W?).
Gerda, please listen.
In your post you have stated many things that as you said do not seem to matter, even mentioned his lies, and yes at this point they do not matter, not until a trial. So what does matter? What are these people, mediators, looking for or considering?
You need to know and understand what arena you are fighting in, and what rules and scorecard is used. I guarantee it is not the same as you would use. And believe me, this is a fight.
You have an incline of what H is planning. Get prepared! Get your ducks lined up, load the cannons, and go after everything you are entitled too. This is a business arrangement that has gone sideways and is being disolved. Looking at it that way, will keep you focused on what you need to do for you and your kids.
Talk to your lawyer about custody, house, and money. This all boils down to just kids and money. See what your’s and his rights are in regard to kids and money - custody, alimony, etc... Rememebr at this point all that is negotiable. So what does he want? What do you absolutely want? What are you willing to let go of? And are your wants reasonable? By that I mean are they likely to be accepted by him.
If you do not feel comfortable or confident in your lawyer’s abilities - get another one! This is the most important decision / fight of your life. It really is. Do not go at this lightly.
At the beginning of your post you mentioned that maybe all H wants is money. And then you toy with giving up everything to avoid putting children through a custody battle.
A viewpoint from me. Your H may want money more than primary responsibility of children. He may even give you sole custody for a bigger piece of the financial pie. The lawyers will need to hash out what he and you are willing to settle with. However do not give up too much. Do not fear all this, or the time frame of it. This is when you need to put your fears on hold and use all your intellect. Use your lawyer, let them work for you.
Find out the worst case scenario. You need to know and accept it. Everything then is up from there. A major one being custody. I cannot see a case when you would ever receive less than 50/50 (however better make sure). Now with that starting point you can negotiate for a different split.
I am guessing you would like a different custody arrangement. If H wants less custody, go with the flow. If H wants 50/50 - now this is going to sound ugly, rememebr all this is just kids and money - you offer money for your kids. Aside from kids everything else is cash, the house, car, etc.. all cash. You two are just dividing up all the assets and time with children.
This is all just a separation settlement, a trial is a much different animal from what I understand. Still, if you and H cannot find an acceptable middle ground a trial is an option. My belief is it is better if you can settle things with an agreement.
A few final pieces of advice (for today) from a friend.
Ensure you are comfortable with your lawyer. You make money everyday, hold firm on what really matters. You will get through this. Don’t fear, it is not nearly as bad as you imagine it is.
DnJ
Last edited by DnJ; 01/16/1901:24 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
