W will want an answer from me re: parenting plan soon, and I talked about that with L yesterday. The ‘doing some research’ line is something that L suggested.
How would this sound as a response? Please add suggestions or affirmations as necessary.
“I’ve been doing some research, and what I’ve found is that if you want to separate, then you are welcome to find your own place and begin that arrangement for yourself, and you are welcome to assist me in parenting duties while you are here. I feel that it is my best interest (and that of the kids’) for me to continue to be here.”
I agree to lean a bit more towards what LH19 suggested. Bring it up as your own need/thought, and only share you did research if she asks. Make it come from you not an outside source.
"I reviewed what you proposed" - this shows you listened to her thoughts
"and thought about the (description) arrangement. I think it would be best if I (what you wish for yourself)" - you considered her idea, and you share what you want to do for you. Not what you think she should do, only what your own actions will be. She can work around your actions assuming you've made them rationally and with yours and your kids' best interests in the forefront. It sounds like you have, along with assistance from L. Good.
While you don't want to be lengthy, add a sentence or two if you feel it is necessary to be clear. You can mention the research you did if she is asking where this comes from. But do be brief.
I think you give her a moment to respond as long as she does it in a constructive way with no tantrums. If she has major changes let her know you'll consider them and get back to her on _____. Stick to your word. If it's a minor adjustment and you're okay with it I see no reason to delay an affirmative. I'm not a fan of games in DBing.
If she doesn't respond I think it's fine to just leave. Try to have relaxed body language so she knows you're not just being contrary to her plan - you're actively trying to find what works best for you and the kids.
This advice may not be "strict" DBing according to some. But personally I'm an advocate of being honest but firm and leaving it at that.
