Thank you for starting this thread, Sandi! I apologize for my typos/errors. I did not edit my list before posting. I'm going to think about what I might add to it in the next few weeks. I also appreciate the responses thus far.

Something has come up for me before while reading threads and again while reading this thread. Being a former LBS, I can really relate to what JujuB says. Sandi and Neffer have both talked about grieving the end of the A and having withdrawals from the X AP. While I know this may be true for many WS, it's still such a gut punch to think about in my sitch. If you have read my sitch, perhaps you can understand why.

We rarely talk about XOW anymore, but I can do so now without the same flood of emotions I had for years. Last night I asked my H to be honest with me and tell me about what he went through after leaving her and coming back to me. His response was interesting and I did not get the sense he did miss her or have withdrawals. What he described to me was a tremendous relief to have finally made the right choice and to have let go of what he knew was a fantasy. He also described guilt for the additional hurt he caused her, after hurting so many people already.

I was thinking it might help if I included more here from his perspective, if he is open to that. I do think there are differences between the former WW and the WH in piecing, but also individual variations between all of our sitches. In the case of my H, he went out on his own, left the family, and really tried the relationship on with her. This "reality" caused him to start seeing things very differently, than when in the secret EA he had with her while still being in the M. Since piecing, his struggles have been less about missing her or wanting her back and more about living with the guilt and regret of his previous choices. He had also struggled a lot with being patient with my anger and emotions, while simultaneously reforming his Nice Guy traits, some of which led to our initial problems.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela