/journaling before I continue with schoolwork while home with sick OS (trying to get these thoughts out of my head so they don’t distract me later)
I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I still want to be married to W.
What I do know (and understand) is that the prior MR is effectively dead, and it’s better that way—but the question is, would I want MR 2.0 with W? Do I want to get to piecing? That depends on the day and the moment.
And this is where I’m conflicted—I mentioned the word ‘vacillating’ earlier, and that’s exactly it. And I’ll have to admit questioning how ‘natural’ or ‘healthy’ it is that I feel this way, and am I justified in feeling this way?
I never thought I’d ever be in the sitch, and I don’t think W really has until recently, either. But here we are, and I need to just STFU and deal.
I’ve thought about how if things were ever really that great between us? Is she doing me a massive favor by doing this? Should I be grateful this is happening (if it has to happen) at 35, instead of 45 or 55, when there is more time together, more history with the kids (or even more kids?), and the continued intertwining of possessions and assets?
I go back and forth on whether or not I should feel guilty about being hopeful for a future without W (and this may be some NGS coming through—unsure). I’m giving consideration to that workshop on ‘contemplative dating,’ but I will almost assuredly still be married by that point (though who knows what MR will look like by that point in late-March), and I’ll wear my wedding band unless / until everything goes final, at least.
But I still can’t help but think about all that is before me, especially with respect to other women. Part of that is terrifying, tbh—the loneliness, nostalgia for what was, missing sex / affection (tbh, like there’s a whole lot of that right now anyway), going back to life before MR when I remember all the uncertainty of dating, fear of rejection (but that can still happen in marriage!), as well as what look to be the complexities of dating in the current social climate (especially with respect to gender views / roles and all that). I remember W and I would comment in the past about ‘oh man so glad we don’t have to deal with dating anymore omg’—but now look at where we are.
When W BD’ed me a 2nd time earlier this month, I tried to be brave and strong and thank her for the chance to find happiness with someone else down the road, in time. I’m sure she wondered if I was being sincere—and who the F cares at this point? Part of it at least was positive self-talk, PMA.
While the negatives of a potential life without W do seem daunting, I’m somewhat attracted to the positives, and I do derive some hope from this.
Of course, I know that there are complications to my sitch, and I know that being a fairly traditional, relatively conservative Catholic could very well cause me some problems in the future if this all goes through—especially if I want to find another fairly traditional young woman, too. (I know, I know—annulments and all that. I know I could very well be totally unrealistic about all this, but I’m just not in the mood for that topic right now). That’s why I’m conflicted—I know divorce is evil, and part of me wants to work it out for the kids, but I also know and have read here that I need to let her go if I have any hope of wanting / having MR 2.0 with W. And I see the threads about recon happening (and even the L I met with yesterday mentioned it as a potential outcome—well, one of many, anyway, and her honesty is refreshing).
And then I look around—and go ahead and slam me or 2x4 me if I do deserve it—but I literally look around and I see hope, because I see that there are lots of very attractive women out there, and I have to believe that at least someone down the road out there would want to be with me and give me the chance that W gave up on. I would not cheat on W while we’re still legally married, or date anyone else unless / until D goes final (right now I’m more concerned about the legal marriage—annulment questions can wait—I want to have at least some hope of a future).
That I know I do deserve better from W—especially if we do have MR 2.0, and that if she can’t / won’t give it to me, that I know I deserve better from someone else. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes in this MR (or in past relationships), and I want to make myself a better man / father and I’m trying to work on what I can.
I also know that THIS WILL TAKE TIME and I will need to grieve if the D goes final (though to be fair I’m grieving right now), as well as continuing to work on myself—even after I do start over again, with MR 2.0, or someone else. That’s key—not stopping self-improvement.
But I also know that while I’m flawed (who isn’t) and I’ve made mistakes in this MR, I’ve also tried to avoid the portion of the standard LBS script about feeling totally unworthy and having a terrible self-image because WAS wants out. At least for the most part, I’ve tried to avoid it—sometimes I feel like a POS husband, but it seems temporary to me. I do know that I have a lot to offer, but I also know that if I put the work in, I can be really amazing and while nothing is guaranteed, I’d hope that Bo 2.0 would be much much more attractive to someone out there in time. I’m just impatient for finding her—and it’s probably a good thing that I have the gift of time to figure this out and I don’t have to make any snap decisions right away.
